E-V-Oh, no

The first time I saw Rachael Ray on the Food Network, she was teaching her viewers how to prepare a frozen bag of mixed veggies for dinner. I would rather put my hand in a KitchenAid mixer set on “HI” than watch this lady’s TV show. I would rather lick a moldy cheese ball. I would rather eat someone else’s finely chiffonaded toenails. I would rather drink a fart smoothie. I would rather rub 1,000 habanero peppers on my open eyeballs while gnawing on a hunk of gristle. I know for a fact that every time she says “EVOO” on that show, God gives someone herpes. I will never ever watch her TV show. But, I hear she’s super-duper nice in person. So, I’m going to be first in line at 6 p.m. this Wednesday, when Rachael Ray signs copies of her new cookbook, Rachael Ray 2,4,6,8, at the Borders at Preston and Royal (10720 Preston Road). The very nice Borders employee I spoke with on the phone said that they start giving out free tickets the day before the event. Tickets are extremely limited, so get there early. Call 214-363-1977 or visit bordersstores.com.

Wed., Dec. 13, 6 p.m.