Will You Survive The Purge: Breakout Alive? (Of Course You Will. It’s Not Real, Stupid.)

Horror movies are so not-horrifying because generally the idiots who get speared in the skull or chainsawed by a masked loon generally don’t have the wits to survive a weekend getaway. If you sent these dolts to a lavish weekend at the Mirabeau Inn in Skaneateles, New York, they would find a way to strangle themselves with a seaweed wrap or impale themselves with a MiniPro massager.

To be fair, fighting for your life from the hands of a bloodthirsty monster is a stressful situation, and if you’re an idiot, you don’t have much of a chance. It takes a special kind of wit to understand that an unstoppable killing machine can’t be killed by conventional methods as long as there is a chance for a sequel. Sometimes it’s just best to escape and hope that the problem goes away due to a lack of favorable box office returns. A new promotional experience for the movie The Purge: Anarchy coming to town this week will show you how to do just that. Escape, we mean.

The Purge: Breakout is a weird mix between a haunted house, a graphic adventure video game and Glenn Beck’s twisted vision of the future if another Democrat is elected president. Just like the Room Escape Adventures, a group of strangers are thrown in a dismal setting and have to find the tools and clues they need to escape before a psychopath uses them to quench his raging murder boner. The experience will be in Dallas from Thursday through Sunday in a parking lot at 2001 N. Griffin St. but unfortunately, it’s already sold out on all four nights. I’m not disappointed because I already have an insane spa trip booked in Lake Tahoe that weekend. You, however, might want to turn to a scalper. Just take care you get the right kind.