27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

If you're just now looking at a gift guide, congratulations. You waited it out. We knew you would, champ. Your reward for lazy patience? You can ride our holiday shopping coattails to gifting glory because we've searched Dallas and the interwebs to find 27 presents that are as affordable as they are thoughtful -- mostly, anyway.

Yep, you're welcome.

Everyone wants a crown. It's one of a newborn's first thoughts - "food, water, screw this, I want a crown." Make dreams come true with this decorative white or gold porcelain crown. But be warned, if you buy the white version, it just means you love him or her less.

You may think you know what a one pound chocolate bar, cup or patty looks like, but you don't. It's HUGE. Like you might need a spotter to get it to your car. But if you do get it to your car and then actually give it to someone, you'll be in the running for best human ever. Unless you give the York. Then you're just an asshole. In stores only, Holiday section.

When you don't know someone that well, you might as well give them something to rub on their privates. See what I'm saying? Soap is impersonally personal, but Oak Cliff Soap is a sudsy, chunky cake of "that smells rad." Each soap is all natural and 100% handmade with essential oils. I highly recommend Oatmeal and Almond. Available at Oil & Cotton

We all know this person. The stink bomb that still uses the deodorant geode your 9th grade science teacher invented. Their BO clouds them like Pigpen's dirt and if you look closely enough, you'll see the air around them ACTUALLY gasping for air. Do the world a favor and give them a Little Tree. Maybe on a chain as a necklace. Or a pin as a brooch. Available at car washes, drug stores, grocery stores and occasionally on the side of the road.

Okay so the shipping at The Plaid Pigeon is only slightly less than your college tuition, but who even cares?!? It's a DINO PLANTER with rocks and a succulent. (Imitations have air plants. Garf.) You can pick the animal and the color and our merry little Austin friends will ship it. And since it's a succulent, it'll take a lot longer to kill!!

Lilco Press is a local printmaker that uses polymer plates, hand-carved linoleum and the thickest paper you can find. Seriously, it's like her postcards, cards and art prints are created on motherfucking maxi pads. So plush! And presumably absorbent! Which makes her $4 Hola, Amigo or Gracias postcard perfect for framing.

If you missed the Tom & Judy Show Annual Holiday Sale, don't worry, they're selling the leftovers on Facebook. You'll find festive rabbit turd cards, chicken-embroidered "fuck off" pillows and framed skulls made of multi-colored thread. Plus you'll finally get to ask yourself, "Who should I give 'VD,' too?" Call dibs on Tom Sale's Facebook:

Your flaky friend took one oil painting glass and suddenly they're an artist. Well, now for $5 you can passive-aggressively support their new pursuit -- they'll ditch it and move on to aristocratic blacksmithing next month anyway. Faking it has never been cheaper or easier, because tiny easels only put you out $5.

If there's a full-blown girl or transitioning male in your life, you need f. is for Frank for four reasons: 1.) You need a gift that doesn't suck. 2.) Their jewelry is so, so, so, so, so amazing. 3.) Everyone loves it. 4.) There isn't a fourth reason. You got pranked.

Every year you have one friend-ish who gets you a massive Sun Ripened Raspberry bundle from Bath & Body Works and every year you rue the day you ever met. Fight fire with fire with an awesome estie necklace that looks like you paid waaay more than you did. Especially since estie uses geodes, quartz, leather chevrons and more. Here's a fun thing, estie is on Etsy. Enjoy verbally explaining that.

If you need to remove someone from your life permanently, get them a Lenny Kravitz CD. His rendition of "American Woman" almost single-handedly ruined my formative years and no doubt, yours too.

This travel set comes with a calming aftershave balm, original shave cream and essential pre-shave oil. All in a handsome clear plastic pouch. It's available in three scents - Almond, Eucalyptus and Sandalwood - but it doesn't really matter what scent you choose. Everything smells the same when it's never used.

The beauty of this little beauty is it's a terrarium of already dying leaves so your dumb friend can't kill it any further. And it's only $12. And it's adorable.

These hand-carved, smooth as glass slingshots are peacocking the shit out of those neon stripes. Now, I'd never shoot anything with this, but then again, I don't have testes. Fun fact for anyone alive twenty years ago, the medical tubing used on these used to be on flip flops called Tiddies.

Guys like pocketknives. Even when they just use them to cut tags off super cute new tops. Well, if they're going faux macho, they might as well go in style.

The frustration of every Midway game ever brought to life exists in these hand-painted knockdown dolls by clearly-whimsical artist, Jason Cohen. Perfect for that special someone in your life with multiple interests and/or ADD.

Just because you love cats, doesn't mean you're sad and lonely. In fact, sometimes you even need tape in an adorable tape dispenser. You know so you can hang up all those cat pictures and rogue furballs. Juuust kidding. CATS!

Watch your little paranoid friend reel when presented with this lipstick-marked glass. It's painted on and completely sanitary, but let's just keep that between us.

Let's be adults, if you buy these for someone you want them restraining-order-level-of-bad. You also might have severed heads in your freezer, but let's focus on the positive. For the price of a gently used Buick Le Sabre, you can buy a feathered skull. Homicidal jokes aside, it's pretty freaking spectacular.

When you're wealthy, you don't use soil or even river stone. That's for peasants. You use quartz crystals and you put them in a chic bowl with an even chic-er deer. Take out a loan and buy this for your nearest and dearest. You know, the one with the hedge fund.

Billed as "the funnest undies you'll ever find that don't ride up your butt!" Fundies Undies come all the way from Canada, eh, and make your privates look more adorable than manscaping. Available in XS to L. Men and Women. Oh happy day.

These drinking glasses are awesome and since you can get a set for under $25, they're even awesomer. Did I mention they're topless? Let's hear it for boobs, right?!? This gift is two gifts in one. First, it's an adorable porcelain candle with a cockatiel on it. Second, it's a lesson that proves you don't need a damn cauldron of wax to scent a room.

Yeah, like any of us are ever going to buy fresh flowers on the reg. More than likely this vase will become home to a dull No. 2 and a set of learning chopsticks. But it's everything a gift should be - lovely and affordable. Oh yeah, and thoughtful.

Console, dining, folding card table, it doesn't really matter. Pop this bad boy on top and you're instantly stylin' -- except you're not because you just said, "stylin'." Thems the breaks, kid.

If you know someone that's actually used gestalt in a sentence, buy this vinyl flower vase for them and fill it with water and carnations. Because carnations are filler flowers. Then whack them over the head with it for being such a douche.

I don't care who you are, Memory is still one of the greatest games ever invented. It kicks the pants off Call of Duty Die Hard Car Jackers or whatever the latest pixel-laced eyesore is. And this version got a facelift, adorable illustrations created just for you--r gift recipient.

Happy Holidays, you hooches.