Hands Off

Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to face the truth, and we at Night & Day want to help you heal through the loss we have all suffered. Here goes: Tatu has retired. Not the industrial-pop underage-lesbian duo, but the 18-year star of the Sidekicks, Dallas' finest (or only, rather) arena-soccer team. Perhaps you best remember his many appearances at local fairs and festivals during which he taught children how to bounce soccer balls on their heads and knees for a full five minutes (while certain Dallas Observer writers looked on and ate funnel cake). More important, he made Dallas shed a moment of its Cowboy devotion to what the rest of the world actually calls "football." Even though Tatu has hung up his artificial-turf cleats, there's another team vying for your Dallas soccer attention, or at the very least, your Southlake soccer attention. The Dallas Burn have relocated to Dragon Stadium for the team's eighth season of Major League Soccer, and while the season is off to a less-than-Maverick start, they don't lack star power. Watch Jason Kreis, the league's all-time leader in game-winning goals, and Oscar Pareja, member of the 2002 MLS Best XI, lead the Burn against the Kansas City Wizards this Saturday. But if you can't find any Russian girls kissing in the crowd, don't blame us. The game is 7:30 p.m. at Dragon Stadium, 1085 S. Kimball. Tickets are $20 to $35 from Ticketmaster, 214-373-8000. --Sam Machkovech

Horse Play

Used to be, when you combined horses, beer and Grand Prairie, you were telling a dirty joke. This Saturday, feel free to combine the three at Lone Star Park's Lone Star Derby without feeling any social stigma. Heineken is sponsoring the event by offering $1.75 drink specials from noon to 4 p.m., but it's a shame the race begins after the drink specials. After all, the Derby's purse is $500,000, and with that kind of prize money, the winning jockey could enjoy 285,714 bottles of Heineken. Just imagine: If the jockey were a particularly short man who hadn't eaten much before winning the race, the prize would probably feel like a million beers. And that, dear readers, is what we call an impetus to alcoholism, or at least a dirty joke. Lone Star Park, 1000 Lone Star Parkway, Grand Prairie. Call 972-263-PONY. --Sam Machkovech

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