Arts & Culture News

Six Reasons You're a $30,000 Millionaire in Dallas and Should Prove it on Television

Is your confidence high and your bank account low? Do you sometimes post pictures of your latest ATM withdrawl on your Instagram? Does your purse cost more than you're worth? Did you drop a couple "hundo" on a new pair of sunglasses only to lose them during a drunken day at the lake?

Then you might just be a $30,000 millionaire.

The producers who brought us Jersey Shore and The Hills (so you know it's going to be good) have begun casting for a new show, $30,000 Millionaires. Here's some information, but before you mail away your bio and headshot, do you really have what it takes? Are you the epitome of "faking it until you make it?"

Here's how you know you're a Dallas 30KM and should prove it on TV:

You order bottle service nightly You don't have the time or energy to party with anyone who isn't gorgeous or a Dallas socialite. You left your high school friends behind years ago. Cold beer and conversation? You must be joking. That's why you frequent the nightclub at least once per week to order bottle service, rub shoulders with Dez Bryant, and impress all of Dallas's blonde bombshells with talk about your entry-level commercial real estate job.

Bouncers know you by name

It isn't enough just to be seen at the trendiest spots -- wasting time outside waiting to get in puts a total damper on your night. So you know the drill: approach bouncer, shake hands, make small talk, and walk inside to begin the greatest night of your life since the last greatest night of your life. Because every night is great when you're a 30KM.

You shop at Stanley Korshak

With the bouncers on your speed dial, you'd probably get in wearing flip-flops, but you've got standards. You understand and respect the dress code. That's why you only buy $35 socks and $200 shirts at Stanley Korshak. It doesn't matter if box macaroni and cheese will be your next five meals, name brands are practically required to be a 30KM.

You brunch at Bread Winners Café

You only spend money on one meal per week and that's brunch. Because nothing impresses chicks more than sharing a carafe of mimosas. Besides, the only way to cure last night's bottle service-hangover is a $10 bacon-infused bloody mary with a side of French toast -- and of course, you want to be seen at one of Dallas' trendiest brunch spot, Bread Winners Cafe. Make sure you grab a spot at the front of the patio. Because if there's three things that can cure a hangover, it's a little recognition, bacon, and more alcohol.

Lay and hang out at The Ashton pool

After brunch, just like clockwork, you cruise over in your entry level-priced luxury Audi A4 to The Ashton's pool to drink some more, absorb some sun, and relive last night's adventures with everyone within hearing distance who didn't have the privilege to be a part of all the glory with you.

You only date guys/girls with Daddy's money

Because you're a big spender, you have to cut back in other spending areas. That's why it's essential to date guys or girls who come from a little bit of money -- daddy's money to be exact. He wants a second date? It better be at the Gucci store. You impressed her with the bottle service and brunch and she, of all people, knows that to look good on your arm, she'll have to pull out the David Yurman jewelry and Neiman Marcus tops on an elementary school teacher's salary.

Do all of those things sound like you? If not, could you fake on television? Then learn how to audition here.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Paige Skinner has written for the Dallas Observer since 2014.
Contact: Paige Skinner