Be More Like Trump: 10 Ways To Avoid a Military Draft, Just in Case

The prez knows all about avoiding the draft — he's done it five times!
The prez knows all about avoiding the draft — he's done it five times! The White House
"Zoomers," as members of Generation Z are so often called, have been taking to Twitter with jokes about the imminence of a military draft, and something tells us these posts are a coping mechanism, almost as much as satire.

Why do we say this? Well, because last Friday, The Washington Post reported that the government website for the Selective Service, a federal organization that maintains a database of eligible adult men for conscription should a crisis warrant such measures, had crashed because of an excess of visitors prompted by the U.S. airstrike that killed high-ranking Iranian military official Qasem Soleimani.

This turn of events recalls the hysteria surrounding the draft for the Vietnam War, and with a new decade right in front of us, who knows what will happen? Will “Suge” by DaBaby become this generation’s “Fortunate Son”? Will Christopher Nolan direct a war movie in which American soldiers Fortnite-dance on museum rubble in Tehran? Will Chrissy Teigen become this generation’s Jane Fonda?

Only time will tell, but until it does, keep this list of 10 suggestions handy in the event your draft card comes in the mail.

Take LSD and bath salts before your physical.
The worse your trip is, the more convincing your “clinically insane” defense is.

Tell the recruiter that you think Mao Zedong had some good ideas.

We’re imagining this is just like avoiding jury duty, but if it’s not, how many Maoist soldiers in the U.S. military have you ever met? Exactly.

Keep getting pregnant until you turn 26.
One for the ladies: The U.S. has never drafted women before, but it's a new military in the modern world, so whether you’re anatomically capable of giving birth will probably have no bearing on whether you get drafted. Plus, the child tax credit doubled a couple of years ago, so the more the merrier!

Commit a felony.
You can achieve this by dodging the draft.

Fake your death and live under the grid until the war ends.
This is going to require loads of commitment.

Apply for a vital job you’re underqualified for and lie about your work experience so that military recruiters think you’re achieving more than you really are.
Just work there long enough to persuade your recruiter to cross your name off the list. Try not to get fired until they turn a blind eye.

Bribe a postal worker to steal your mail the moment they’re due to deliver your draft card.

You can’t be drafted if you never received notice.

If you were born on Feb. 29 and are eligible for the draft, your birthday technically only happens once every few years, so tell them you’re actually 6 years old.
If you pull this card on them, that means the recruiter is trying to enlist a child soldier. That’s a violation of international law, and are you just going to sit there and follow the instructions of a war criminal? Exactly.

Buy a houseboat and drop anchor 12 nautical miles from the Gulf Coast.

According to the 1982 United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, nations only have territorial jurisdiction over the first 12 nautical miles (22 km) of the waters surrounding its coasts, so if you settle just a hair beyond those parameters, you will technically be in international waters. There is a caveat to this, however — you cannot dock on the mainland or get into any contact with the U.S. Coast Guard whatsoever.

Join the Army.
If you’re really adamant about dodging the draft, this is the safest, most foolproof way to do it. This will entail some steep commitments, but rest assured, you will never receive a draft notice in the mail if you follow this step.
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Garrett Gravley was born and grew up in Dallas. He mostly writes about music, but veers into arts and culture, local news and politics. He is a graduate of the University of North Texas and has written for the Dallas Observer since October 2018.