Think of how easy it would be to wrap holiday gifts if they could all fit in 9-by-12-inch envelopes. Go ahead. I’ll wait. While you’re at it, take a look at the hundreds of works of art by more than 200 artists from all over the country, Canada, Australia and…

I’m pissed off at comedian Robert Hawkins. See, his MySpace profile has some crap-ass jokes on it (for example, under favorite television he posts: CSI: Your Granny and Little House on Your Pappy…it’s that kind of thing, many, many times). So I wanted to just blast him not only for…

I protested for oh so long. For approximately two years I refused to see the movie Elf. It’s not the Will Ferrell thing—I quite like him actually. It’s not that it’s a holiday flick—I got the spirit in me. No, all of those things really should sell me on the…

It’s a fact that appearances can be deceiving. It’s also a cliché, sure, but forgive that irritation for a moment and understand there’s a reason for it. In fact, let’s look at some evidence. Take a hoppin’ Dallas nightclub and that hot blonde at the bar you assume is plastic…

Rarely does one hear art revered for being “cute.” It’s refreshing in a sense. Think about it. How many times do you read a review of an art exhibition and find words such as “intense,” “introspective,” “profound” or “sensual”? Too damn many. So let’s regard The Modern Art Museum of…

Ah, Spanky. You must be ready for a career in show business when you choose a name such as Spanky. The bald-headed comedian, now on his “Men Are Sluts” tour (ooh, that title’s got me cracking up already), was also a…wait for it…finalist on Star Search. Yeah, you read that…

I’ve always believed my appreciation for subtle and dry humor may have been inherited. Both sides of my family are chock full of commentators and comedians—some self-proclaimed, some, OK, one, actually successful. (That stat does not include my dad’s repeated attempts at his favorite straight-faced and always poorly timed joke—a…

Before the long-awaited Art Conspiracy coming December 1 to the Longhorn Ballroom, curator and art/event coordinator Sarah Jane Semrad (and CorinthPark owner Herschel Alan Weisfield) offer an artistic amuse bouche of sorts with the appropriately titled Primer. The group exhibition features works from local artists Kate Nelson, Tim Stokes, Ronald…

If there’s one person a child, hell, anyone, wouldn’t want to disappoint it’s Mr. Rogers. You wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of what would have to be the most godawful, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking look of disenchantment. An educator, baby-sitter, illusionist and friend on the small screen, Fred Rogers…

I heard the title Thieves Like Us and immediately imagined Louise Fletched…which is something I try very hard not to randomly do since I was traumatized by her Nurse Ratched while watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. See, Fletcher was given her first film role as Mattie in 1974’s…

Thanks to Stephen King (with subsequent onscreen, if less graphic, help from Kathy Bates and James Caan), everyone ignorant to the ways of maiming learned what hobbling was all about. Neat, huh?! Grapevine’s Runway Theatre, 215 N. Dooley St., is staging a production of the classic psychological tale about an…

I have to disclose something here in the interest of complete and total honesty…and on the off chance that someone in the near future would like to buy me a drink. Keep the mixers simple; I abhor Red Bull. My nostrils recoil at the sharp, sweet smell of the thick,…

In 1995, Ben Folds Five reminded everyone that the piano was, in fact, an aggressive rock ‘n’ roll instrument. Folds proved you didn’t have to play “Piano Man” to get listeners to ditch the usual six-string for a while and pay attention, rock out even, to the keys. Then came…

Liquid eyeliner, Revlon blackberry lipstick and Doc Martens are not required. Let out that sigh of relief—I know I did—since the 7th Annual Goth Ball does not require attendees to venture back to their tormented sophomore or junior years. Costumes are totally up to you, which means, thankfully, godawful Robert…

What’s up Singapore’s ass? Apparently, Cut Sleeve Boys, the feature film by Ray Yeung, was banned thanks to the Singapore Board of Film Censors’ determination that it “[promotes] the alternative lifestyle.” C’mon Singapore! Queer as Folk? The L Word? Will & Grace? Get on the gay train already. Homosexually driven…

Jim Gaffigan has been everywhere it seems. He’s been on all incarnations of Law & Order, in Sierra Mist and Saturn commercials and on the talk shows of David Letterman and Conan O’Brien. He is also incredibly pale. And he has the most bizarre, high-pitched, sing-song, wispy little alternate voice…

Ah, Southern repression. From it we’ve gotten scads of Lifetime films and, before the theme had become trite, classic works by the great Tennessee Williams. Take Cat on a Hot Tin Roof for example. Secret wantings, lies to the self, big unexpected announcements…back in a time when such things were…

Valhalla is a lot to handle. You got your mad king who builds castles based on operas, as well as your frolicking country boy in hip-baring dungarees. And of course, there’s a moral to the story, but honestly, we try to steer clear of those. Audiences follow the lives of…