Forget Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and the Jigsaw Killer. (OK, don’t forget them—they could be behind you RIGHT NOW.) What truly chills us is the brutality of the animal world. While most humans use tools to maim and murder, many animals are faster and stronger than us and possess razor-like…

Druggies ruin everything: brownies, car antennae, easy access to pseudoephedrine and most important, “Puff the Magic Dragon.” No, dope fiend, not everything would “make a good bong,” and not everything’s about weed. “Puff” isn’t a veiled reference to your favorite strain o’ mary jane, but it does deal with some…

Life in Texas is never bland, foodwise, but we still don’t really understand super-hot habanero shooters (followed by a glass of milk). Hatch chiles, which are in season now, aren’t high on the Scoville scale, though, so we may expand our chile palate at Blue Mesa Grill’s Hatch Dinner Party…

Dear Person, Hi, you may remember me, your anus? Yeah, I know we haven’t had a one-on-one chat since the Spoiled Shrimp Incident of ’06, but I’m still down here, doing all your dirty work. It’s all right, I know it’’s a thankless job; I don’t expect a medal or…

For years, Blue Bell Creamery’s slogan was, “We eat all we can and sell the rest.” Maybe that’s why I can’t get their peppermint ice cream year-round; some bigwig on a mint kick is gulping it all down before it even gets to the store. And that’s not even counting…

Despite the existence of 10X magnification mirrors, hardly anyone wants to know what they really look like up close. We seek out products that flatter, slim and deodorize; we would rather dye, conceal, paint, tan and microdermabrade our physical bodies than allow anyone (even ourselves) to view our unretouched skin…

When I was in college, you weren’t supposed to keep pets in on-campus housing, though lots of students had fish, and a couple even got away with kittens for a while. We had a snake. A 3-foot-long black corn snake. Shadow, as she was called, preferred not to remain in…

Children might not know it, but they’re all in training to grow up to be special effects dudes (and dudettes). C’mon, the SPFX crew spends the whole day bringing monsters to life, playing with robots, staging battles with action figures and painting faces—the neighborhood playground is practically your internship, kiddos…

Though our humor tends now toward Eddie Izzard, David Cross or Patton Oswalt, there was a time when we thought Jack Prelutsky and Shel Silverstein were comic gold. I mean, come on, “My Mother Says I’m Sickening”? Or “Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout (Would Not Take the Garbage Out)”? That was…

One of my favorite displays in the Earth science classroom was the little box that held the different minerals used in the Mohs hardness scale; of course, over the years some sticky-fingered students had pocketed the beryl and the quartz, and I’m pretty sure there never was a diamond, but…

You would think that being raised by a Central American father would somehow—if even by osmosis—imbue me with knowledge of the nuances of socc—uh, futbol. Nope. All I learned about soccer from him is that a great header is often followed by vomiting behind the bleachers. We can’t promise puke,…

My mom didn’t approve of Barbies. She thought they were too sexual for grade-schoolers. (I do admit that when I played with the forbidden toys at a friend’s house, we sometimes made Barbie and Ken do naughty, naughty things. But honestly, what are you supposed to do with nubile, poseable…

To paraphrase an old jingle, we love eggs, from our head down to our legs. Scrambled, deviled, over hard—we adore ova. We like to dye them at Easter or make cascarones. This crazy fascination with les oeufs has inevitably led us to those most marvelous eggs, the Fabergés. First commissioned…

America gets a little hot under the collar when the world community starts discussing our government’s use of torture. England, on the other hand, smiles and charges you £16 to explore their history of torment and execution. Perhaps a couple of centuries will give us perspective too, but it’s unlikely…

As much nostalgia as Sesame Street personally evokes, I also have a well-founded suspicion that it’s simply one of the earliest electronic baby-sitters. I loved Snuffleupagus, the Count and Oscar the Grouch as much as the next bed-wetter, but I sure don’t remember my parents watching with me. And as…

We’ve never been accused of being sophisticated, so it should come as no surprise that the phrase “Delicately Dirty” takes our minds directly to the gutter. What might it mean? An online store selling pre-owned lingerie? A fetish shop focusing on leather and lace? An indie doc exposing the innermost…

The best thing I’ve ever done on vacation is, well, not die. My vacations have included riptides, Mexican taxis and even a Category 4 hurricane, and I figure I’ve used up all my “Avoid Hell’s Gates” passes. So you won’t see me boarding a plane to the Dark Continent to…

Saltwater aquaria are often seen as the domain of the rich—those whose Christmas mornings brought a Beemer, a French bulldog and a Blackglama stroller. And while it’s true that a marine aquarium is more pricey than putting a betta in a bowl, with a little ingenuity, you can have a…

While breakfast with a ballerina might have appealed to me as a plump, naïve child, as a zaftig, world-wise woman, it terrifies me. I like to chow down in the morning, and who can do that comfortably while seated with a sinewy, 99-pound ballet dancer? Good thing this event is…

While scads of famous chiseled cheekbones grin from the weight loss section of your local bookstore, there’s one super-celebrity who refuses to endorse the latest “no carbs, no fat, no taste” fad. Despite past pleas from Dr. Atkins, Dr. Ornish and even Suzanne Somers, Santa has maintained his morbidly obese…

One design student’s much-blogged-about tattoo sleeve, by artist Nick Baxter, features not pinup girls, but chairs. That’s right—photorealistic skin artworks such as Charles and Ray Eames’ Lounge Chair and Ottoman. But the Eameses were more than furniture-makers (and tattoo inspiration): They also made 100-plus short films addressing their theories of…

Between coordinating a playgroup for aborted fetuses, running quality control on natural disasters and being slowly devoured through the magic of transubstantiation, we’re pretty sure Jesus doesn’t have time to hate us. Besides, we’re very careful: Even an omnipotent dude has to take a smoke break every now and then,…