Sports

Swear to God we didn’t want to do this again, especially since we’re conflicted now that Mike Rhyner, Gordon Keith and Dave Lane are (very infrequent) contributors to these pages. But what the f-bomb. After all, what other local radio station carries every single sports-related news conference live, in its entirety? Where else can you find a suicidal (fake) Jerry Jones begging, “No funeral,” the day after his Cowboys lost to the Houston Texans? Where else can you find Michael Irvin and Troy Aikman each week during football season, willing to dish out a few hard knocks of their own? And where else can you find the Overcusser, who will foul-mouth a millionaire jock to death to see whether he will fight through it or join in the fun? The Ticket gets it (big time–right, Jerry), commingling sports-talk with a little entertainment news (what’s the dif?) and other effluvia geared toward men but attracting a sizable audience of women as well; it’s guys’ night out all the time, and so be it. We’re partial to Dunham and Miller and The Hardline–and, frankly, we’re vying for our own 7-11 p.m. show, because we wanna get stuck in that revolving door–and are coming around to BAD Radio, which isn’t so, well, bad. And we know your dad loves Norm, but he creeps us out just a little bit.

This one was tough. As you’d imagine, there are plenty of worthy candidates on a team that was out of the A.L. West pennant race shortly after returning from spring training. Or was it shortly before heading to spring training? Well, whatever. Palmeiro beat out John Rocker, Carl Everett and Hideki Irabu–all solid additions to the club if you ask us. Despite being just two years shy of his 40th birthday, Palmeiro put up some pretty impressive power numbers this season and managed to maintain his sanity in a clubhouse that went the way of Big Nurse’s Cuckoo Ward months (if not years) ago. And if that wasn’t good enough, well, the man is in a Viagra commercial. ‘Nough said.

This may not be the biggest bicycle store in the city, but it is definitely the best place for a serious bicyclist to find equipment and expert advice. The Seattle-based retailer has built a reputation for quality outdoor equipment and carries a good variety of bikes and biking gear suited for the spandex set. They carry clothing for biking in the heat, for wet weather and cold weather, gear more suited to Northern climes, bicycle racks and camping equipment. The staff is knowledgeable and incredibly helpful to novice and expert alike. Besides biking, you can pick up food, gadgets and gear to help you climb mountains someplace outside Texas. And, if your privates hurt when you bike, they have seats that will fix that. We were thankful.

On any given Friday or Saturday night, you can join the cool kids from middle school once again. For $6.25 or less, don the brown and orange skates of yore and cut loose to the sounds of Cheap Trick, Vanilla Ice and J. Lo. You might even catch sight of a staffer or two clinging to the wall for stability and jealously eyeing the preteen speed-skaters. It’s a helluva good workout (you’ll realize how good when the aches hit the day after), and fret not, the Lucky Number game, the races and the Couple Skate live on here. Lace up and roll out.

He’s been knocking around the NBA for four decades, as a player, coach and general manager, so he should have things figured out, right? What the three-time Coach of the Year has done since his arrival in Dallas is steadily gather a collection of talented players and design a game plan that best suits them. In elevating the Mavericks to playoff caliber, he’s gone with the run-and-gun, put-it-up-quick offense that delights fans and keeps the hometown crowds cheering. And bet that he’s beating the bushes for a big guy who can add some needed defense in the middle. Highly regarded for a history of taking low-round draft picks others should have selected earlier, he might soon find that last needed ingredient. Don’t forget his best attribute: He works well with the psycho billionaire who owns the team. Which ain’t as easy as it sounds. Which brings us to…

Oh, you can keep your froufrou gyms, your pantywaisted health clubs. Go soak your head in the Jacuzzi. Pull up to the juice bar and take your slug of wheatgrass. Go ride your stationary bike, ’cause you ain’t goin’ nowhere. Yeah, sport, just wrap yourself in a freshly laundered, club-provided terry-cloth towel and leave us the hell alone. We’re over at Doug’s, sweating our asses off in the middle of summer and freezing our nuts off come February 2; we ain’t got no time for such luxuries as air conditioning. We come here to do one thing: get ripped, baby, pumped to the pecs. Doug Eidd, owner of this joint since Jack Ruby was a free man, has no patience for the namby-pambies of your more expensive gyms; this is bare bones, man, down to the sinew. Doug trains with the counsel of the elders and the patience of the divine, as both men and women who care only about getting fit hang here and endure the regime he will design solely for you. Weight lifting, boxing, jumping rope–it’s simple, and yet so danged tough. We’re still not sure if we’re exercising or enduring ritualistic torture–really, who in 2002 tosses the medicine ball, save for us dopes–but we like the way we look; so do the ladies. Well, not really. But they will, damn it. Oh, they will. Won’t they?

For sheer size and variety–and that friendly YMCA atmosphere–it’s impossible to beat the big Y, which at one time not long ago billed itself as the biggest Y on the planet. There’s a pool, indoor track, squash courts, racquetball courts, hoops courts and machines of every description: rowers, cycles, runners, weights and stairs. Combine that with all the classes, and pretty soon you’ll be what our old Y instructor said we should be, back when it might have been true. As he put it: “Be proud of your body.” An Observer staffer who belongs said make sure to mention the covered smoking area outside–but we won’t.

It may no longer be the newest venue in the area, but the 50,000-seat masterpiece is still the most enjoyable spot for the sports fan to visit. It’s comfy, clean, fan-friendly and, face it, you can’t beat fresh summer night air when you’re watching a game. Often called one of the best parks in the big leagues, it’s fun even when the hosting Rangers bullpen is off its game, which, we know, means three out of every four on a homestand. (Insert your generic Rangers pitching joke here.) But the reason the park is so wonderful is that there is so much more to it than the baseball being played on the field (much to Tom Hicks’ eternal gratitude). There’s the Game Baseball Museum and Children’s Learning Center, the Grand Slam Gift Shop, Bullpen Café and Friday’s Front Row Grill, plenty of rest rooms and concession stands. Opened in 1994, The Ballpark remains as much an attraction as the games played inside. Check that: more so.

Something special happened in South Dallas last winter. First, coach Leonard Bishop’s boys’ basketball team completed its season with a 40-0 record and the state Class AAAA championship. But that was just the beginning of the good news. Soon after, the growing list of national schoolboy rankings, led by the prestigious USA Today and Prep Hoops USA polls, added to the accolades. Lincoln became the first Dallas schoolboy team ever to be selected the No. 1 team in the nation.

Dallas’ first public golf course, the place where Lee Trevino got his start, stands as a sharp reminder that city government can sometimes get things right. With its two courses and extensive range and teaching facility, Tenison is an everyman’s country club. It hosts 36 holes at two price levels. Tenison Highlands was refurbished in 2000 with five new lakes, smoother greens and 32 new bunkers and sports fees in line with its upper-end conditioning. Tenison Glen is a hilly, creekside affair more or less unchanged since 1914. You can hike this venerable course Monday through Thursday for a very democratic $14.

At press time, there was no word on Manute Bol’s religious affiliation, so Shawn Bradley takes the award. (Also, Bol was an inch too tall.) Bradley is entering his 10th NBA season and seventh with the Mavericks. Dallas, if you didn’t know it before, you’re a lucky town. This guy runs the floor with grace, has soft hands, an even temper and a mean jumper…or something. Actually, he has nothing. And his ability to dunk the ball is breathtaking. That’s something you don’t see much in the NBA–dunking–so it’s good to have a guy who can throw one down. What’s that you say? He misses them sometimes? He gets blocked sometimes? Mere details. If he knocked on our door, we’d convert. Or buy him a shot.

We’re actually toying with the idea of renaming this the Mark Cuban Award, or at least giving him a subdivision to call his own. Either way, Cubes is the man when it comes to drawing unnecessary attention to himself. That Dairy Queen thing? Nothing but an appetizer before the main course: Tim Rogers’ balls. When Cuban threatened to slice the “fucking nuts” off of the D magazine editor–Rogers wanted to do a blurb on Cuban’s fiancee–he locked up a lifetime achievement award in this category. Way to go, Mark, we’re proud of you. But when you graduate to kicking the homeless, be sure you give us enough of a heads-up to send Jim Schutze out for a column. We suggest he spend less time playing Mark Soprano and more time helping his coach-GM find a center. Which brings us to…

The poor sumbitch. He’s already a sure Hall of Fame inductee, and sometime later this season he’s going to usurp Walter Payton’s stranglehold on the NFL’s all-time leading rusher throne. And yet the guy always has this terrible, foreboding look on his face. But wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you perfect that look if you had won three Super Bowls with the likes of Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin only to be later cast in with a lot of nobodies and never-will-bes? Can’t you just hear Emmitt when they told him that Quincy Carter would be the starting quarterback again? Wait, what did you say, Jerry? As a final note, we suggest that “Taps” play before and after every Pokes game.

So the guy dresses like the drummer in a garage band, sticks his foot in his mouth every time a camera or tape recorder is rolling and gets fined the equivalent of the debts of some small countries for his behavior at games. The good news is that he’s dug into his deep pockets and financed the comeback of a team that was all but invisible before he came along. The players are good and getting better, and the extra large coaching staff knows its stuff. Even more impressive is the fact they’ve begun to perform like guys who appreciate the fella for whom they’re working. Even if he is a psycho billionaire. Which brings us to…

Seriously, you come up with someone better. Lord knows we tried, but every time someone crops up we sorta dig, they skip town–and we know Dale couldn’t crawl anywhere, much less skip. Frankly, we wanted to give this to Steve Atkinson, but now that he done moved we’re stuck with that Stuart Scott starter kit on ‘FAA; look, man, you are not funny. Don’t get us started on the guys at Channel 5–it’s called humility, Newy, look into it–and Mike D. at Fox might be the “best in the game,” only we don’t play by those rules. So we’re stuck with Dale, the richest man in local sports–A-Rod excepted–and certainly the man with the richest blood stream; dude looks like an éclair these days. But we could do worse than get saddled with a cranky, cagey veteran who’s sick to death of being sick to death of disingenuous owners, spoiled-brat players and lousy teams that still overachieve (the Cowboys should have been 2-14 last season, face it) despite having no talent, drive, ambition, discipline, younameit. And how can you not love a guy willing to stick it to Mark Cuban, the only guy with worse hair than Dale? Cuban’s got the winning team, for God’s sake, and still Dale won’t play dead for the guy; Cuban’s got balls of gold (24 carat, says his jeweler), Hansen’s got balls of steel. In his head.

How unimaginative, right? How formulaic, even? See, you’ve been reading the Morning Yawn too much. Finley, the franchise’s most identifiable player for years, wins the award, but not for the obvious reasons. Not because he averaged 20.6 points, 5.2 rebounds and 3.3 assists per game as a Maverick last season. Not because he makes slick commercials. Not because he’s constantly on the trading block. No, he wins because he was the lone Mavericks representative on the underachieving, embarrassing U.S. squad that inexplicably failed to medal at the World Championships in Indianapolis–a team that lost to Argentina, Yugoslavia and Spain. Hey, when you get punked by Pepe Sanchez and still show your face in public, you ought to win some sort of award. Perhaps he just needed the steadying hand of his coach. Which brings us to…

If it’s anything other than, “It makes me wish television had never been invented,” no need to check their pay stub.

Don’t get us wrong. We love quite a number of Dallas’ outdoor boutiques, the ones selling full lines of Patagonia fashions and some of the coolest shoes known to man. But when it comes time to spring for a serviceable sleeping bag or a backpack, REI’s prices and selection are the ones to beat. A few years back we bought some first-rate North Face bags, and nobody could top this warehouse-sized, outdoor category killer. And that didn’t include the 10 percent year-end refund, which goes along with the co-op-style way REI does business. Some of the fine, high-end outfitting stores in the area are more likely to meet the demands of back-country winter hikers or rated mountaineers. But for all-around outfitting and camping stuff for the whole family, REI gets the nod.

This is the Sears of sports stuff. Solidly middle market, serviceable and so wide-ranging it’s impossible not to find something in your sport of choice. Although Oshman’s isn’t the place for upper-end specialty gear, at times you can find the very best of what you’re looking for at bargain prices. A few months ago, we found a pair of North Face climbing shorts for an unheard-of 40 percent off. The tennis gear, too, is top of the line. Whether you are looking for clothing, a set of weights, a soccer ball or a very good tennis racket, you have a good chance of ending your hunt here.

Dallas isn’t exactly a walking city known for sweeping waterfront vistas or any vistas for that matter. So, ho-hum, here we go again with The Rock–but you got a better answer? Didn’t think so. White Rock Lake is a perennial Best Of favorite and deservedly so. More than 11 miles of biking and jogging trails surround this 1,000-acre lake, a group called “For the Love of the Lake” says. You have a view of the lake, parks, other bikers and other joggers. It is far and away the best place to run away from the city.

Short of building a half-pipe or draining the pool in your own back yard, there aren’t too many places anymore to skateboard in Dallas without needing a police lookout. Eisenbergs has the best layout for practicing anything from an ollie to a trick from Dogtown & Z-Boys. The park also offers amazing graffiti, live music, ramps for bikes, blades and boards and a reasonable admission fee. Parents can feel comfortable dropping the kids off or donning a pair of Etnies and trying it themselves…don’t worry, they rent out helmets and kneepads.

This popular sports bar has seven coin-operated tables and free pool before 7 p.m. It might not be for purists, but the place is usually jumping. There’s a regular Saturday tournament and plenty of non-pool diversions, including Foosball, darts and shuffleboard. Bar food ranging from sandwiches to sandwiches–pastrami, roast beef, turkey and ham–complements the main course at the bar.

We found this place on the Net, and it’s a haven for golfers on a budget (like us). Dallas Golf has a fantastic selection of used clubs they sell at their four stores around the metroplex or online, either through their own site or on auction sites such as eBay. They also have new clubs–the folks in Richardson set us up with a great set of a knockoff brand, since we’ve just taken up the game–so don’t be surprised if you go to pick up a great used value but just can’t help it when you come outta there with that never-been-swung titanium driver.

Nobody, but nobody, tries to “buy a game” the way golfers do. You say this Fred Flintstone-sized titanium driver is longer, straighter, truer and it’s played by the guy who won on the Tour last week? I’m down. Wrap it up. You say these new $39-a-dozen balls will keep me on the short grass? I’ll take two dozen. With the prices club makers want these days, it doesn’t hurt to save a few bucks on this kind of habit. An even bigger plus at Wally’s is having sales guys who are knowledgeable enough to help you pick the right stuff. We found them at the branch we frequent on Stemmons Freeway. This is a locally owned outfit, in business since owner Wally Arbuckle began selling clubs out of his garage in the 1960s. The trade here is pro-line clubs, meaning the kind used by good players and countless hackers who think a sweet shot is only a $400 driver away.

When we were young, we swore we would never golf. We saw the sport as Mark Twain did, “a good walk spoiled.” Of course, we also thought our metabolism would keep us at 175 pounds, no matter what we ate. Age changed both of these ideas. So when we decided to take up golf this year, we were–and are–forever thankful we found the Golf Academy of Dallas, located at The Range at Tenison Park. Director of Instruction Scott Robbins and his crew (we also worked with former LPGA player Kelly Holland, who was wonderful) make even the most uncoordinated golf beginner feel comfortable. They specialize in the beginner but also have classes for intermediate level and private lessons for whomever needs his or her swing tinkered. If you ask nicely, Robbins will also teach you the lingo you’ll need to appear cool on the course (for example, they’re not golf clubs, they’re sticks). All the info you need on The Range is online at www.rangeattenisonpark.com. Nothing for you to do now but golf it.

We bet you didn’t know this, but the Professional Bowlers Association is trying very hard to make bowling hip again. We’re not sure how they’re doing, although we suspect a Legends Tournament with Britney Spears and that hunk from Dawson’s Creek would be a good way to start. But we like bowling because it’s tragically unhip. To us, it is a sport that invariably conjures up fond memories of Laverne and Shirley, not to mention icy cans of Milwaukee’s Best. Maybe Coors Light is a better choice in Texas, but the theory is the same: Bowling is an easy, affordable entertainment option for all ages, and Don Carter’s All Star Lanes is the city’s best place to roll away a night or, if you really get hooked, sign up for more committed league play. Who knows? That Burleson gal from American Idol may be on your team.

OK, their team logos do resemble each other, but is this the sort of nonsense our court systems are supposed to waste time with? The soccer team, the Dallas Sidekicks, has long had this cute little soccer ball wearing a cowboy hat and a bandanna that looks like something the old B-Western bad guys wore to hide their faces. The arena football team, the Dallas Desperados, has a guy on the logo who also has his face covered by a bandanna. So, natch, the Sidekicks called the lawyers. Not the sort of stuff that’s likely to be aired on Court TV, but a good example of the competitive nature of Dallas’ pro franchises.

Once again, Mike Modano was the biggest star on the Stars, a team that woefully underachieved. He played great two-way hockey (offense and defense, for those who don’t follow this great game, and woe is you) and could still dominate a game with his speed and strength. But to our minds, the man who played the best hockey–when he was on the ice–was backup goalie Marty Turco. Sure, being the backup goalie is like being the backup quarterback; everyone loves you until you become No. 1. But Turco didn’t just put up great numbers (15-6-2, with a save percentage at .920 and a goals-against-average of 2.09) against bad teams, like so many backups do. He had wins against Colorado, San Jose, Chicago, Phoenix and other playoff teams. He gave the franchise hope for the future. And when Tom Hicks “suggested” that Eddie Belfour be played down the stretch so that the team could make the playoffs and make more money (oh, it must be true, you know in your heart it must be true), Turco didn’t bitch. He just bided his time until the team told Belfour to puck off. The mark of a classy guy, one who should help this team for years to come.

Most of the stars from the Super Bowl glory days have retired or faded, leaving but one player at Valley Ranch who plays the game at a level few attain. Offensive lineman Larry Allen, all 6-foot-3, 335 pounds of him, continues to dominate the opposition like no one else in the league. And he’s living, breathing proof that it isn’t just the big-name colleges that provide NFL talent. All-Pro Allen came to the Cowboys via Oroville, California’s, Butte Junior College and Division II Sonoma State. Besides all that, he’s got some sort of Fu Manchu facial-hair thing working this year. Which is sweet.

Lone Star Park’s live Thoroughbred racing season is painfully short, but you can always get a horse-racing fix or just blow many hours and many dollars at the track’s simulcast racing restaurant and bar. With two giant video screens and 175 small tabletop televisions, the place looks a bit like a Las Vegas-style sports book. It’s open just about all year, and you can bet on tracks across the United States, depending on which ones are open. Racing form sheets from the various tracks are for sale, so besides the smell of horse shit, it’s almost as good as being at a real live track during racing season. The restaurant offers passable food, so entertainment during a late lunch is a good and legitimate excuse to go. Plus, gambling is fun. And always profitable. Trust us.