The Dallas Donuts

Let’s see, Yao Ming is overrated, Shaquille O’Neal is jealous and Erick Dampier is an All-Star. Damn. And you thought the Mavericks center wouldn’t be ready for the NBA season. A billion Chinese usually aren’t wrong. But Dampier, despite last season’s inconsistent and frustrating performance, inexplicably maintains that he’s better…

Tuna Meltdown

Bring back Chan Gailey! There, I said it. Now it’s official: I have a severe case of Mad Cowboy Disease. If you’ve suffered through Dallas’ three excruciating losses, you, too, have likely been infected. The symptoms? General grouchiness. Specific sinning. My black lab is in a body cast. Replaced our…

Blessed ‘Boy

Sitting at his locker following the Cowboys’ overtime escape from the Giants, he put on a gaudy cross necklace that would make P. Diddy blush, then put in perspective a tardiness to a team meeting that evaporated his running back role from 20 carries in last week’s second half to…

Fair-Well

Extend your pointer and pinkie for “Hook ’em Horns.” Turn it upside down for “Boomer Sooner.” Retract those two and proudly display your middle finger for a reminder to snobby, greedy officials from both Texas and Oklahoma that “Playing in the Cotton Bowl during the State Fair of Texas is…

On Thin Ice

Ties were created for Troy Dungan, calf ropin’ and Anna Kournikova’s brother. So by replacing overtime draws with sudden-death shootouts, the NHL got one right. One down, infinity to go. In case you’re one of the oblivious millions, the Dallas Stars are back in business and desperately searching for fans…

Invinci-Bill

Pass the milk and dab your doilies; the Cowboys media is suddenly softer than Tony Siragusa’s third chin. Coach Bill Parcells exhibited all the killer instinct of the Dalai Lama in the catastrophic collapse against the Redskins. His Cowboys ran when they should’ve passed, passed when they should’ve run and…

Three Kings

C’mon, they deserve better than that. Three of the greatest all-time Cowboys treat us to Super Bowl trophies, a gazillion goose bumps and eternal smiles. In appreciation, we bestow upon them a moniker conjured from an implausible genetic connection and the cunning craftiness of counting to one, two, three. Troy…

Assist, Avery

Who dat? Back in 1987 it was the catchy Cajun battle cry of the NFL’s New Orleans Saints. But last week outside Reunion Arena it was just one of the hundreds of questions from the thousands of evacuees. Is my family alive? How do I get food? Where am I…

Drew Drive

Meander through the neighborhood surrounding the Cowboys’ Valley Ranch headquarters and take a trip down memory lane. All the great quarterbacks are immortalized here: There’s Staubach Street, Meredith Way, Morton Avenue and…would you believe, Carano Court? See, there’s still hope for Drew Henson. Not of ever sniffing the Ring of…

Blame Game

Blame the dude in the blue tutu carrying a pink purse. It was Texas Rangers relief pitcher Frankie Francisco, after all, who got all dolled up and hurled this snowball downhill. With his team in the thick of a surprising September pennant race last season, Francisco donned his rookie initiation…