Yes, The McRib Is Back. And It’s Still a Shitty Sandwich

The McRib is back. Again. The sandwich with a cult-like following will be released nationally through November 14. McDonald’s official website is pimping out McRib’s return by describing the sandwiches with brazen alliteration — tantalizingly tart pickles, sensationally savory onions, magnificently mouthwatering boneless rib and sweetly sumptuous barbecue sauce. All…

Rick Perry’s Balanced-Budget Illusion

Now this is something I could really kick myself for. I can take being wrong. It’s one thing to be accused of being too Pollyanna. (Not sure that has actually ever happened.) But the one thing I cannot forgive in myself is not being negative enough. That just should not…

The State Of The Sazerac in Dallas

I was called out on Twitter after posting a rehash of Playboy’s Never Sleep:Dallas — a guide to drinking away a Saturday in the Big D. I picked on the magazine for ordering a Manhattan, and Twitter user philipberne scoffed: Also, @scottreitz, a Sazerac, with its Absinthe spritz, is a…

Why won’t my hot Mexican gardener take a HIV test?

Dear Mexican: Really? You answered “When Should You Use Usted Instead of Tú?” recently over my “Why Won’t My Gardener Fuck Me Again If I Demand an HIV Test?” Any sad gabacho can Google for grammar tips (no offense to Yo Quiero Hablar). Meanwhile, we clueless gabachas need to know…

Is Mike Rawlings Leppert 2.0?

OK, all you Mike Rawlings fans: I sure hope you like your new “progressive” Democrat mayor, the man who was going to make such a big difference at City Hall. Because it sure looks like the same weird old Dallas plantation to me. Look, I admit it’s just my own…

Playboy Plans Out Your Evening In Dallas (But Gets It All Wrong)

Everyone loves a good excuse to visit Playboy’s website while at work. This one is even legitimate. The magazine recently published a Never Sleep: Dallas guide prescribing the perfect Saturday night. In the name of work, I thought I’d take the guide apart one recommendation at a time to see…

On City Hall Ethics, Mayor Mike Passes the Buck

So let’s see if we can ride this circus train. Mike Rawlings runs for mayor pledging to clean up the “ethics” issue at Dallas City Hall. And if I may offer a small correction here at the top, I think right now it’s not really so much an ethics issue…

The Old-School Dessert Plate is Alive, if Not Well, At Taverna

Behold! Dessert Plate! I first met you back in high school, where I thanklessly waited tables at a seafood-meets-steak house on the Chesapeake Bay. There, in the walk-in fridge, you sat perched at the ready, covered in cellophane and prepared to advertize your glorious bounty to diners already stuffed with…

Candy Corn: The Worst Halloween Candy in the History of Ever

Candy corn, I hate you. Mainly because — and I’m going to be blunt here — you fucking suck. You taste like pre-digested marshmallows and Sweet Vanilla Shit Meadow Febreze had a flavor baby. You’re punishment candy. People who give out candy corn on Halloween would be better off giving…

What Part of Illegal Don’t Mexicans Understand?

Dear Readers: The Mexican doesn’t want to take this week off, but has to because it’s his mother periódico’s Best Of issue and the Mexican is tasked with eating a thousand tacos in the search for the best one in Orange County. I’ll return next week, more panzón than ever…

Life’s Cheap. Levees Aren’t.

God may still be in his or her heaven. I’m not up on that. But I think he’s about to vacate the regional headquarters of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Since the 19th century we Americans have believed that engineers are just a little bit better at building stuff…