Audio By Carbonatix
Call off the Carb Police. Tell calories they can “see you next Tuesday.” Fuck fat. Just fuck it. Because Thanksgiving. It’s the Rex Manning Day of holidays for this turkey lover. It’s a time to get drunk and sit on the couch to watch all the sports (I hear). It’s a time to eat a perfectly sensible amount of food, then a bit of pie, and then so much more food than is sensible for Round 2. Piles.
You know how at a restaurant you conspire with your dining mates to order nearly everything on the menu just so you can family style that shit, getting a taste of everything that sounds good? Oh, other people don’t do that? Just me? OK sure… well, Thanksgiving is that, without annoying the shit out of servers or kitchen staff. Without reservations. Without the constraints of … pants. Well, sometimes you still have to wear pants at Thanksgiving. It really depends on how committed your family is to eating a large volume of food.
This is why I don’t understand why some people don’t care for Thanksgiving. That’s like someone saying they don’t care for puppies. Listen, haters: I’m going to refute every reason you might have for hating this incredible holiday. Ready? Grab your stretchy pants (the only acceptable pants for Thanksgiving) and get comfortable.
Reason #1: I don’t care for turkey. Try: Ham.
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Reason #2: I don’t like football. It’s barbaric. Try: Netflix, board games, Facebook-surfing, some hard-core napping, and if all else fails, some hard-core porn.
Reason #3: I think Black Friday shopping is the devil. Try: Avoiding the highways by staying home and eating Thanksgiving dinner. Because you’re kind of right.
Reason #4: I don’t have time to eat, there’s shopping to do. Try: Priorities!! For the love of gravy. See also: The Internet. It’s 2014.
Reason #5: The story of Thanksgiving is terrible. Those poor Native Americans. SMH. Try: Make it about food, family and feeling thankful. Leave history in the past.
Reason #6: I hate cooking. Try: Buying your feast from — or even eating out at — a local restaurant. You’ll probably have to wear pants though.
Reason #7: I hate green bean casserole. Try: Making it from scratch, making someone else make it from scratch or ignoring it entirely like the adult you are. Also, you could not be more wrong about GBC. It rules. I’ll eat yours, in fact.
Reason #8: I have to sit at the kids’ table. Try: Teaching them all the bad words you can think of. You’ll be upgraded next year for sure.
Reason #9: I have no family. Try: Friendsgiving.
Reason #10: Turkey makes me sleepy. Try: Leaning in.
Reason #11: I’m gluten-free. Try: Shutting the fuck up. (Bonus: STFU is gluten-free).
Reason #12: I’m lactose intolerant. Try: A) Lactaid®, or B) The Farts (Worth it!)
Reason #13: I’m a vegetarian. Try: Eating all the sides. More than twice. DUH.
Reason #15: I don’t like nuts. Try: Nutting up.
Reason #16: I hate my family. Try: Alcohol.
Reason #17: I’m on a diet. Try: NO.
Reason #18: I still hate Thanksgiving. Try: Being thankful, you ungrateful jerk.
Look, all you new Taylor Swift fans. Haters gonna hate, and players gonna play. But consider this: turkeys gonna gobble and bitches gonna eat. The end.
Happy fucking Thanksgiving!
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