Audio By Carbonatix
It’s Fourth of July Eve, the 12th-most popular eve of them all. It’s also gorgeous outside, which means your favorite watering hole has broken out the patio furniture and the most deliberately gaudy piece of glassware: the schooner. I despise this awful drink innovation. This bloated goblet has ruined the starts of numerous drinking excursions just by its inherent pain-in-the-ass-ness. Let me name for you the reasons why I hate this vessel so.
It. Is. HEAVY. Easily the most obvious flaw with the schooner is its heft. It’s not even jewel-encrusted, or solid, manly pewter. It’s glass. Whoever invented it clearly didn’t realize that the last thing anyone wants to do while drinking a beer is test the durability of hisr rotator cuff. The weight of the schooner reminds me of that one person you know who says “Oh yeah, you know I’ve been working out lately, been doing some 12 ounce curls.” The lode also encourages nursing your beer as a nice, long chug isn’t quite so easy when your forearms are quivering. Yes, forearms, plural.
It’s Frosted. This particular trait does not always occur, but when it does, it cranks the idiocy of this drinking device up a billionfold. First off, let me don my beer geek pretzel necklace and say most beer isn’t brewed with the intent of being served at synapse-chilling temperatures, no matter what some color-changing mountain tells you. Second, who even wants to hold a cold glass? Look, I get the nice feeling that comes with having a cold drink in your hand, but does it need to have icicles forming along it like a road map of ice mummy’s vascular structure? You don’t see coffee shops handing out lattes saying “We know you wanted your coffee to stay hotter, so we went ahead and preheated the mugs in a blast furnace.”
The Beer Doesn’t Stay Any Colder. As I’m typing this out, I’m planning a follow-up science experiment post wherein I will demonstrate the long-term coolness retention of different glass type just to see if I’m right. Here’s a taste of the hypothesis for you though. Do you remember when you were a kid and you wanted to torture ants on the sidewalk? What was the best was to ensure their slow, fiery demise? That’s right, that thick, heavy, curved piece of glass that looks to me like a not-too-distant cousin to Mr. Schooner.
So have a happy and safe Independence Day out there folks. Just remember, friends don’t let friends drink from schooners. They move to another town, find new friends and burn any and all reminders of their schooner-guzzling former friend.
