I love Christmas. It's awesome. Baby magic-types being born, giant trees in your living room, socks full of socks brought to you by an old man stranger -- what's not to like?
Welp, there's just this one thing: the thing that sucks about Christmas is that people keep writing songs about it. And just like every new Beach Boys album, each new Christmas song is ten heart attacks worse than the last.
Can't we get Sting and U2 to write songs about Halloween or Thanksgiving or any other holiday with very few popular songs sung about it? Hey, Sting's lute, can't you hook us up with a Secretary's Day song? How has nobody sung about National Frito Pie Day, but somebody's on 103.7 right fucking now singing a song about how "Hallelujah A Baby Changes Everything."
"So, let's see, we've got Frosty, Santa, Rudolph -- Hey, nobody's written a crying, pregnant teen song about The Virge, y'all! Let's do it!"
I can safely say that we've got Christmas covered, you guys. Can we please, for the love of rainbow candy canes, move on? I'm not asking you to stop writing holiday songs altogether-- I just think that until we've got every holiday covered like we've got Christmas covered, we should chill the boobs out on the re-imagining of "We Three Kings."
Old Christmas songs, you're safe. Even the boring ones. You're history now, so you're all important no matter what. However, Rod Stewart: Stop all of it.
I will accept covers, up to Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want For Christmas Is You." (This is generous. And it comes with a caveat: we limit the playing of this song to once per season, additional times permitted only if it's heard while viewing Love Actually.) So, Jackson 5 Christmas covers, you're safe.
Scotty McCreery's Christmas album has a song on it called "Christmas in Heaven." IT'S ALREADY HEAVEN, WHY THE SHIT WOULD THEY NEED CHRISTMAS. No. Stoppit. Can't he write a song about Presidents' Day? McCreery would hold the microphone all weird and rock the Roosevelt out of that tune so hard. I just know it. If only his tight jeans would let him sing other holiday music, we could all be saved.
Nobody else ever needs to cover "Santa Baby." The original song blows, and the covers just keep getting worse. Jessica Simpson sang it and sounded like a soft shit. Apparently Michael Buble has even covered "Santa Baby," with his version titled (obviously) "Santa Buddy." He asks for a Rolex instead of boobs, or whatever the girls always ask for. Fuck a bunch of that.
Dear Song Singers, please stop writing more Christmas albums and start writing about the holidays we really need songs about. Like National Beer Day. Or National Chocolate Covered Anything Day. Where the hell is the Arbor Day song? C'mon, people. This album writes itself. (Merry Christmas.)
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