May 21, 2010
Better than: watching Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader? reruns while loaded up on whippets.
Friday night, all the popular kids you wished you knew in high school but who never left whatever crappy suburb you're from found a babysitter, got dressed up for their bimonthly big night out and headed to Trees to see Vanilla Ice, a rapper whom they were not old enough to appreciate when he was legitimately famous.
But that didn't stop the packed Trees crowd from going straight apeshit when Remy McWinklestein or whatever that guy's real name is took the stage. [Editor's Note: It's Rob Van Winkle, duh.]
Of course, if they'd spent any part of the early evening hanging out on Elm Street, they could have just walked right up to 'Nilla, gotten an autograph and a photo, and been home in time to finish that DVR'd Law and Order.
But, by the time a massive line had formed outside the club, stretching halfway down Elm, in fact, Nilla was safely ensconced somewhere within the bowels of Trees.
It's worth noting that the main reason for the extreme length of the aforementioned line was that anyone who showed up before 10 pm got in free.
Based on the enthusiasm of the drink-buying (Jager shots being a preferred refreshment, with four and five shots at a time handed over the bar), though, Nilla patrons more than made up for the free admission.
In terms of the actual show, well, just go read Pete's review of Nilla's performance at Trees last September. Because, once Van Slanket appeared on stage at around midnight, he pushed play on what appeared to be a complete reenactment of the fall show.
Clad in board shorts, chains and non-ironic nostalgia, Nilla opened with some House of Pain-esque originals, clearing up any confusion for concert-goers with lines like, "I'm in Dallas, TX and I'm in your fucking ear." Nilla gave the crowd props for (presumably) helping out with those 48 million records he's sold, casually noted that he has what is currently the No. 1 record in the United Kingdom and still has love for Ron Jeremy, his Surreal Life buddy.
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Nilla also doled out relationship advice. After inquiring of the crowd if there were any women in attendance who might have an appreciation for pornographic films and, if so, could they please make themselves known with a loud vocalization, he advised the gentlemen in the room: "Fellas, that's who you should hook up with!" At which point many fawning ladies jumped on stage with Ice to pour water all over themselves and toss a blow-up doll around.
And then I left because Jebuz Effing, ladies, if you're going to objectify yourselves, don't do it for Vanilla Ice.
Oh, and he played "Ice Ice Baby" and people enjoyed it.
[Editor's Note: Don't let Grimes fool you. On Friday, after the show, she sent us a text, telling us her real thoughts on the night: "OK, Nilla was kind of bakker." Then, a moment later: "Er, baller." Real talk.]