You're going to South by Southwest, right? Or you're already there? One of those things is bound to be true. Well, we here at DC9 have got some advice for you, and we've managed to format it all into the style of commandments, because one of our favorite things to do is pretend we're angry Gods. Or something like that. We're not really sure, but the doctor told us it was best to just go with it.
So, here they are, the 50 Commandments of SXSW 2013.
1. Thou shalt not make the mistake of not worshiping the god Doritos.
2. Thou shalt not forget you're never getting into Stubb's BBQ.
3. Thou shalt not forget to loudly say "my herpes are roaring" in the middle of a packed show.
4. Thou shalt not forget to forget deodorant, you wouldn't want to smell good.
5. Thou shalt not shout "the dragons are coming" in the middle of 6th Street unless you're certain they are.
6. Thou shalt not hesitate to tell the guy next to you the traffic is terrible, he probably doesn't know.
7. Thou shalt not fail to respect The Best Wurst carts on 6th, or the Jesus will strike you down.
8. Thou shalt not fight it: just fall asleep on the curb in front of Pete's Dueling Piano Bar.
9. Thou shalt not forget to ask the homeless: ARE YOU WIFI READY??? (this is a joke about how someone made a homeless person a fucking WIFI necklace to wear).
10. Thou shalt not let the police tell you you can't build a pillow fort across the street from the Fader Fort.
11. Thou shalt not urinate on the Capitol building. Have you seen Texas prisons?
12. Thou shalt not loudly proclaim Bourbon Street to be better than 6th Street.
13. Thou shalt not not drive to Lockhart, Texas, BBQ capital of the state, and fill your face with delicious beef.
14.Thou shalt not do what I did last year, which was consume too much rum and pretend to be a singer so you can infiltrate a group of musicians jamming, order them to play "BLUES IN E!" and then start singing "Brand New Cadillac" by the Clash.
15. Thou shalt not try and break into that inviting red door in Death Metal Pizza using a credit card -- they shalt not appreciate it.
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16. Thou shalt not forget that "corporate synergy" is the key phrase to get out of annoying conversations, but that sometimes this might backfire spectacularly.
17. Thou shalt not forget that your unsigned band doesn't become any more special simply because they're in Austin -- if anything you just diluted their specialness. Good job.
18. Thou shalt not forget to tell everyone how much better SXSW was "back in the day".
19. Thou shalt not fail to try to see Prince. That would be suicide. Can you imagine going to SXSW and not bothering to even try seeing Prince? You won't get in. But at least pretend to try.
20. Thou shalt not try and remember what you did to that cat on Friday night. It's better staying repressed.
21. Thou shalt not forget to ask Billie Joe Armstrong if him and Clear Channel are friends again yet.
22. Thou shalt not speak. I know just what you're saying.
23. Thou shalt not ask why Depeche Mode are playing. They just are.
24. Thou shalt not forget that a tent is both convenient AND stylish, but that tent pegs simply cannot go into concrete.
25. Thou shalt not be afraid to shout. Shouting is the holiest form of communication. It says so in the Bible.
26. Thou shalt not stop believin'. Just hold on to that feelin'.
27. Thou shalt not forget to thank the corporations for you having a good time.
28. Thou shalt not bathe. Bathing is for squares.
29. Thou shalt not ask Wayne Coyne about a special guest Badu appearance in the Flaming Lips' set.
30. Thou shalt not drive. Skateboard. I'm not sure whether that's really cool or really uncool now, but either way at least one sub-set of the attendees will appreciate your stance.
31. Thou shalt not run at the pool.
32. Thou shalt not ever stop seeking superior access to things.
33. Thou shalt not admit that you don't know who someone is. You should know.
34. Thou shalt not forget to shout, "I love you Jordan Catalano" throughout Jared Leto's speech.
35. Thou shalt not get into a staring contest with Jared Leto. He'll melt your soul right there on the spot.
36. Thou shalt not go to Jared Leto's speech.
37. Thou shalt not be selfish and take more than four feet of personal space in which to sleep. You're not doing this right if you wake up to the stink of fewer than six other festival attendees.
38. Thou shalt not miss Snow Tha Product.
39. Thou shalt not spend even one waking minute away from live music. I know what you're thinking: "What if I need to do a spin class to sweat out some toxins?" No excuses.
40. Thou shalt not sleep 'till Brooklyn.
41. Thou shalt not stare directly into the giant vending machine presented by the Corporation That Shall Remain Nameless unless you want your flesh to dissolve.
42. Thou shalt not miss out on obvious sponsorship opportunities. Sell your forehead space to the highest bidder.
43. Thou shalt not drink anything offered to you in a mug with a kitten on it. In our experience, it is laced with PCP.
44. Thou shalt not spend the rest of the year starting music-related conversations with, "Yeah, I saw them at South By."
45. Thou shalt not call anything weird. We know.
46. Thou shalt not go to bed before 4 a.m.
47. Thou shalt not drink brown liquor before the sun goes down.
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48. Thou shalt not complain about the crowds. What, did you think you were the only person who knew about this thing?
49. Thou shalt not horde anything, including drugs and show recommendations. We're all on the melting iceberg known as People Who Care Enough About Music to Spend Money On It.
50. Thou shalt not spend the whole week waiting in line for big names. See at least one band you've never heard of before.