Wanted -- Punk Rock Strangers To Crash Party In Van, $20

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Yes, for the princely sum of $20, you could get in a van with a total stranger somewhere in South Dallas and go to commit property damage somewhere near Greenville. That's the latest enticing proposal out of our local Craigslist, always a font of good ideas and totally above-board goings-on.

Even better than the idea of the whole thing is the post itself, which seems to lose its own impetus by the end, deciding that actually, this wasn't a good idea, but hey we've spent ten minutes thinking about Caesar now, and this birthday party will be cool as shit, so why not go for it?

I'm willing to pay a van load of punk kids (i.e. hardcore kids with boots or whatever/black clothes/spikes/and patches on every fucking thing owned/you know what I'm talking about!), each, a crisp $20 bill, to ride from Dallas to Greenville to crash a 30 year old's birthday party on Saturday, March 15.

Hardcore kids. An entire van full of them. To the birthday party of a 30-year-old. Everything about this is magnificent. I'm not sure the contents of this van will be the model of sobriety required to respect open container laws in Texas, meaning that we could end up with just the average 30-year-old birthday party, which has several craft beers and soft rock on the stereo as the host ponders his thinning hair and where it all went wrong.

This is definitely something your utterly irresponsible friend does, isn't it? The one that you don't really like, but is a good time, so you keep him around for drinking sessions. The sort your wife/girlfriend tells you that you absolutely have to get rid of. A van of hardcore kids from Craigslist is probably the final straw for her.

Mind you, tis the season for treason and all that is mad...March 15 recalls the assassination of Julius Caesar, who was famous for invasive strategies...just seems appropriate to 'invade' a party on the day of his death. Especially, a party of a man (i.e. the birthday dude) whom quotes the famous line, "Beware the Ides of March," periodically.

"Appropriate" is clearly not a concept the author of this advert is totally understanding of. On the anniversary of the death of Pol Pot, should I go around assaulting people who are wearing glasses or reading books? Is that appropriate?

I'd like to provide transportation, so your money won't be wasted, unless it's on 40 oz's. The party will be around 7 p.m. until drunk:30...and I want to make an entrance with a bunch of unexpected guests similar to that of the Road Warriors in the 80's flick 'Weird Science,' where a bunch of street punks crash a fancy party.

Right, I take it back, as soon as someone compares this idea to Weird Science, I'm totally on board with it. Seriously, though, who starts a party with a bunch of hardcore kids at 7 p.m.? It'll still be a bit light. This sounds like the planning of a 30-year-old who isn't totally on board with a little thing I like to call "consequences."

Everyone needs to be legal though. There will be beer. And most of all, there will be a house party that needs a good thrashing. I want jumping over fences/drinking/and being disgusting, but not destructive to the property...I know that sounds ridiculous in light of the movie preference, but damage costs suck, so just show up to be loud and have fun with a similar group of kids your own age who like the band, Local H and shit. They do enjoy good metal and good beer though, so it probably won't be that lame.

Right. I want exuberant hardcore kids I found anonymously on the internet, but I absolutely want them to be law-abiding the whole time. Can you have both? Is this the age-old adage, "you can take a hardcore kid to a party, but you can't make them not break every fucking thing they find inside a stranger's house"? CAN WE, AS HUMANS, HAVE IT ALL? I suspect not. I also suspect that a payment of $20 is not enough to stop a van of punk kids who are all drunk as shit wrecking the first property they get to.

Maybe this is actually a well thought-out revenge tactic? Maybe I have a low opinion of a group of people who, through Craigslist, agree to be paid $20 to be driven by a stranger in a van to the party of a man dealing with his own mortality for perhaps the first time? I cannot say. What I can tell you is that we will be following this up as much as possible. We need to know what happens after this party. OP, if you're out there, hit us up.

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