Local weather forecasters including Pete Delkus, CBS11Larry, and your mama predicted that sleet would rain down upon us all last night, and it sure did. (For my fellow Native Texans, "sleet," of course, in meteorological terms is the petulant baby that is created when snow and rain do The Nasty.) A thin layer of ice greets us all this morning, and in Dallas, this can only mean one thing: Everyone, it's time to shut down everything until it hits 70 degrees again. Do not step outside. Do not open your curtains. Do not put on Daytime Clothes. Just shut. It. Down. And if you have the luxury to do so, please panic.
Welcome to #SLEETSHOW2015. I hope you enjoy the freaked-out Facebook status that your aunt already posted at 5 a.m. of her iced-over car windshield. And won't it be fun to see what over 600 schools write down when it's time to record their reason for closing? Will they write, "Got kinda scared of clouds," or "Too cold for flip flops," or simply, "SCREAM NOISE!!!" Can't write "snow day" because there's no dang snow. Our kids are staying home from school having a Sleet Day, for crapssakes. That's not even a thing.
Where else but in Texas would there be a Sleet Day? Nowhere. No other fucking wheres. We are huge wimps when it comes to cold weather. "Are you serious, it's 32 degrees? In winter? That's like 0 degrees Celsius. I bet the 'Feels Like' index is like -2 or something. This is ridiculous. I can't find my UGGs. I CAN'T FIND MY UGGS."
Early on in the storm last night, I started to have real concerns. I decided to create a name for this storm, even though sleet storms don't usually get names since they're not real storms. Using the all-caps hashtag (to convey the respectful amount of terror) #SLEETSHOW2015, I reached out to local weatherers for help, and received absolutely nothing in response.
Then, things went from bad to worse.
I knew I was supposed to be panicking, based on the level of terror #SLEETSHOW2015 was intending to bring. So, I continued down the path of darkness and fear.
And it was this path that brought me to the most frightening weather moment of my life, which I now share with you:
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What. On Earth. Is happening to us? I fear that this is not the end of #SLEETSHOW2015. Oh, no. This is just the beginning. There will be many more hours of freezing temperatures and locked-inside-house-ness. They say it could drop into the 29s. They say it could stay there for several hours. They say that by Tuesday it will all be over. But will we survive until then? And what will be left of Dallas when we finally emerge? Only time and Pete Delkus' creepy fucking satin smoking jacket will tell.
For more weatherings, and to tweet me frightening photos of your own weather-related horrors, follow me on Twitter at @thecheapbastard.