After almost two months of squirming in relative silence and anonymity, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones poked his head out, saw his shadow, freaked out and decided to give votes of confidence to has-beens George Strait and Terrell Owens and then, just for fun, strip from his head coach the remaining smidge of authority.
No? Fine, then you tell me exactly what happened at Jonestown Coliseum yesterday in Arlington.
I was at Mavs' practice and missed the press conference announcing that Strait and Reba McIntire will open the new joint with a concert on June 6 - I also apparently missed the memo that it is still 1989 - and that Wade Phillips will be next season's defensive coordinator and head coach. What?!
But after examining Jerry's lunacy, I've reached the following conclusions:
*Dallas' flow chart now looks thusly: Jerry Jones is the Owner/GM/Head Coach/Chancellor/Warden/Al Davis. Next in line is the new stadium. Well below are offensive coordinator Jason Garrett and defensive coordinator Wade Phillips.
*Basically Jones is officially giving Phillips more responsility and less authority. It's been Wade's defense for two years. You'd think Wade would command more respect with more control, but since Jerry called this shot, you'd be wrong. If the CEO makes the bank president also work night security, do his co-workers see the move as a promotion? Didn't think so.
*Jerry on his team's perceived chemistry problems and whether he's concerned with locker-room ego clashes:
"Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Period. I'm just not. They are a figment of the result. You didn't hear about those things when we were winning. You hear about those kinds of things when we're losing. So I'm just not. And if y'all knew more about some of the things that you write about, you wouldn't be as concerned."
Translation: Jerry believes chemistry is somehow a by-product of winning, rather than a prerequisite for success.
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*Bill Parcells used to call Owens "the player"; now Jones refers to him as "the one."
*Jerry on T.O.'s roster security:
"You and I both know that the one that you're asking about all the time, if I gave you the answer that you want to hear, then you would've already had it. So the fact you don't have it ought to tell you something. It really should."
Translation: It's official, Jerry has morphed into The Oracle from The Matrix. Oh yeah, and Owens ain't goin' nowhere.