Audio By Carbonatix
Here’s what happened: I recently read a review of some book written by some guy from Dallas called Men Don’t Heal, We Ho on Dallas South News. I was intrigued by the healing and the ho’ing. I wanted to know more. So I asked the writer and publisher of the book, Steven James Dixon, to send me a copy.
I spent several days quoting it aloud in the office, taking my co-workers on a wild ride through Dixon’s failed relationships and self-congratulatory overshare. I marveled at his laconic 3.5-page chapter “Why Men Are Emotionally Unstable.” I cobbled together an acerbic review that was in no way fair to the guy, even if I did believe his book was a hot, gelatinous pile of Bible-thumpin’ gender-essentialist men-are-from-Mars crap. And I felt bad, because this dude is super, super earnest. So I sent Dixon a list of questions about the book. Which is why I present to you, dear Friends, a Q&A with Steven James Dixon, the guy behind Men Don’t Heal, We Ho.
What does it mean to “ho”? How does one “ho”?
In general, a ho is a male or female that uses sex as a method of healing from emotional duress, a source of gaining attention and/or they participate in unhealthy and/or unsafe sexual activity. Specifically a female ho is a woman who freely gives up sex even when she does not want to have sex. I am talking about the woman here who allows men to talk their panties off when she knows that she wants a relationship and she knows that he doesn’t. That’s right, y’all is hos too! Specifically for men, a male ho is a man that will involve himself in sexual activity with any and every woman that will have him. Get some standards, man!
Do you feel like your approach to relationship advice essentializes gendered behaviors that are not, in fact, necessarily tied to persons of either sex in all or even most cases? (i.e. Men wanting to “ho” and women wanting to get married.)
I was not taught how to be successful in relationships, I learned
about them in the streets. Ok, I am not trying to be hard, LOL, simply
saying that most men are a product of their environment. The environment
of a teenage boy includes curiosity about sex. Before I knew what a
kiss was my grade school friend asked me, “Did you kiss her?” In high
school it was, “Did you have sex with her?” In college it was, “How many
have you had sex with?” As a grown man it is, “So, are you really
faithful?” Society is raising our men to be hos. That same society
raises our women to believe that they are not good women if they are not
married. Women are being raised that they are at their happiest when
they are married with kids.
In single parent households young boys are seeing momma chase men and
seeing daddy not be responsible in addition to ho-ing. Young girls are
watching momma struggle and if momma is not raising them that they will
be better off married, they are watching and learning from momma that
they are better off married.
Men are going to be men, they are going to be hos. I’m sorry about
this PSA. But what I am trying to do is teach men that if you are going
to be a ho, at least be man enough to tell women the truth. When I was
single, I never had to lie to a woman to get what I wanted. Man up!!! I
teach women two things:
1.) Date More – I didn’t say have more sex, that is a personal choice
and in reference to being a female ho, having sex alone doesn’t make you
a ho. Make sure that the sex is something that you want and not
something that you are giving up because he wants it. You are in
control. You have the prize. You have the power.
2.) Leave bad relationships earlier – I teach women that leaving a bad
relationship is not a feeling, it is a decision. Make good decisions.
Leave a bad relationship early enough that you haven’t developed hard
feelings or invested so much that there is no turning back. You should
leave a relationship early enough that if the ex-boyfriend grows up and
matures two years from now you can at least entertain rekindling the
flame.
Why did you want to start giving out relationship advice? What do you
think qualifies you to do so more than the next guy?
When I got married at the age of 23 I had no idea what I was doing. In
my current marriage, my second and last, I figured out that I still had
no idea what I was doing during our first year of our marriage. I looked
around and noticed that the majority of folks didn’t know what they
were doing either. There was no one for me to learn anything from. No
one to model me or my marriage after. It dawned on me that when I was
dating, women always did exactly as I wanted them to do, but once I got
married, they did what they wanted to do! I took a step back and
observed my wife. I noticed that her behavior is directly related to my
behavior. When I was a good husband, she was a good wife. All I had to
do was be a consistently good husband and I would have a consistently
good wife and that consistency would lead to a successful, happy
marriage. I don’t take any days off in my marriage now. Marriage is a
full time job. (My wife says that I am doing so well that I am up for a
promotion, whatever that means.)
What makes me more qualified than the next person is that I have
developed a principle that will save all marriages. That principle is –
All relationships are either successful or they fail based on the
leadership of men. Many relationship experts feel relationships are
50/50. They are not. God created man to lead. The problem is that we are
lowering our leadership expectation of men instead of raising them.
My principle is what makes me a relationship expert. My advice is
clear, concise and ultimately the same for everyone. I teach couples to
rebuild their marriages. I don’t give couples an easy out or an excuse.
If the marriage is bad, it’s the man’s fault. If the marriage is good,
you got yourself a good husband. This method of responsibility is
effective in every other walk of life. In the classroom, if your kids
are smart, the teacher must be smart. On the football field, if the team
sucks, the coach sucks. If the economy is still bad two years from now
we will elect a new president (regardless of why the economy is bad). In
every other walk of life there is some one to take responsibility, but
in marriage no one is taking responsibility. God created Eve for Adam,
so how can Eve be responsible for Adam? A couple said to me recently
that they were not in love with each other anymore. My response was
“SO.” I told them that human beings can fall in and out of love but we
cannot fall in and out of our commitments. They said that they were
willing to work so I said I was willing to help. The man accepted the
fact that he is the leader of the family and going forward he will act
accordingly. If a marriage fails, he is a failure. She is a woman who
elected a bad leader.
My principle works for marriages. I talk to couples every day and our
conversations are based on my principle. I am an expert in what I know.
Not trying to be or claim to be an expert in what some one else knows.
But I can help people who are in a bad relationship turn that
relationship into a good relationship based on my principle. By
comparison if you created a car that produced better gas mileage
tomorrow, and you can prove that the car in fact does produce better gas
mileage, you become an expert. You would not claim to be an expert on
what Toyota or Honda is doing, but you know your stuff.
Additionally, I don’t have a congregation, certification, license or
practice to lose, so I can keep it real and if you don’t like it, I
don’t care. I have a good marriage. I can explain to a couple in a step
by step process how to get what I currently have. I can do that at
least, for sure. Is my marriage perfect? No, but I guarantee you that my
wife and I will be happy and in love until death do us part. (Remember
that?)
How have your ex-girlfriends and others who are mentioned in the
book responded?
Don’t know, couldn’t careless. I really don’t talk to ex-girlfriends. I
am cool with all of them but I am married now. I am good with my
wife/girlfriend/baby momma being my only girl-friend
Aren’t you perpetuating a potentially problematic stereotype by
painting men as emotionally unstable? Is it possible men are
“emotionally unstable” because they’ve been told they are — not because
they really are — and feel social pressure to live up to the stereotype?
No, no, no and no. I have had many, many, many men approach me and say
“Thank You for writing this book” or “I feel the same way” or “I thought
I was the only man who felt like this.” What I have done is explained
to men who and why they are what they are and then challenged them to
change. Men Don’t Heal, We Ho is about teaching men how to heal so that
they don’t continue or become hos. I have had men come to me and say
things like, “man if I would have read your book after my breakup, I
would not have gotten that stripper pregnant.” He got broke up with his
lady, instead of healing and started ho-ing. He was emotionally unstable
which lead to him having unprotected and unsafe sex. (He probably
caught something!)
Why is marriage something you believe people should aspire to?
I don’t think people should aspire to be married. I think people should
first aspire to be celibate just as God was. If that’s not working for
you then you need to get married before you burn in hell. (Not being a
hypocrite, obviously I was well on my path to hell also. I am good now
though!!!)
Why is the freaky wife a thing of the past, and where is a guy
most likely to find a freaky young woman who will grow up to be a freaky
80-year-old? Additionally, do men not become less freaky as they age?
The freaky wife is not really dead, she is just really, really tired.
Men need to help out more around the house and they shall be rewarded.
If the wife comes home and has to cook, do homework with the kids and
get them to bed her inner-freak has already laid it down and gone to
sleep. On my extra-feeling-freaky days I let my wife know in advance and
I place a reservation at her restaurant. To obtain a confirmation for
my reservation my wife will sometimes require a couple of loads of
clothing to be washed and folded and maybe a mopping of the floors.
Occasionally, I will have to toss some dishes in the trash but as long
as I get a confirmation for my reservation, it’s all good!
Men do become less freaky as they age but the drop off in freakiness
is not as significant in most cases. Couples need to make more freaktime
or time for freaking. Feeling and being freaky requires more time and
energy. I talked about men helping women create that time and it is also
important that women carve out or schedule that time.
