The owners of Texas Hydroponics on Elm Street -- right next door to the Sons of Hermann, of course -- are offering $300 to anyone who can ID the dumpster-defacing vandals seen in this 10-minute video. I'll be honest: I didn't think I'd make it through 38 seconds of the thing. Ten minutes later, I had already nominated it for a short-film Academy Award. All it's missing is a soundtrack -- Elliott Smith or "Yakkity Sax," not sure which. --Robert Wilonsky

• Crime