The police report for Sunday afternoon's robbery of the Zone d' Erotica on Forest Lane doesn't say much. Someone walked into the adult novelty retailer with a knife, demanded cash, and left.

The robber got the money, about $250, but he (or she -- the report doesn't specify) also made off with a single piece of merchandise: a $150 penis pump.

Police don't list what brand of penis pump, and a manager at Zone d' Erotica declined to comment, so one is left to speculate. Perhaps it was the Fire Pump ("A sexual firefighter knows how to extend his hose!") Or maybe the Rookie (complete with "removable multi-speed vibrating bullet")? If this individual were truly concerned about girth, however, they would undoubtedly go with Dr. Joel (a "heavy-duty high pressure metal vacuum pump with EZ grip padded handles, professional vacuum gauge, flanged clear cylinder, non-crimping flexible hose, universal interlocking male and female connectors, quick disconnect valve, and a hygienically superior Silicone vacuum seal.)

Whichever it was the thief should enjoy it while he can, since pretty soon he could be doing hard time. Yes, we went there.

• Crime