At last, the perfect Christmas gift for the baseball fan who has everything: two mausoleum crypts at Sparkman/Hillcrest Funeral Home, Mausoleum & Memorial Park on Northwest Highway, right next to where Mickey Mantle's been resting in peace since 1995. Each crypt will only cost you $50,000 a piece, but, dang, quality real estate in this town don't go for cheap. And whatever you do, do not go here if you don't have time to waste. But I just decided I wanna be buried next to Conrad Hilton. --Robert Wilonsky
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