Awesome ultra-exclusive lawsuit alert, by which I mean, here's the nuttiest handwritten single-page complaint filed in federal court you're likely to read in the next 18 minutes. On Christmas Eve, the apparently infamous Jonathan Lee Riches© -- well, that's how he "spells" it -- filed suit against Terrell Owens in U.S. District Court, Eastern District of Pennsylvania, claiming, among other things, that the Cowboys' sorta-gimpy wide receiver was secretly meeting with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones as early as November 2004, when Owens was still a Philadelphia Eagle.
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And among the things Riches© claims were discussed during their secret confab at the famous Geno's Steaks in South Philly: "Jones told Owens that when Dallas plays Philadelphia Jones will arrange for Roy Williams to tackle Owens from behind to knock him out of the game then Owens can blame Philadelphia for medical malpractice which would force Owens off the roster." And that ain't even the good stuff from this handwritten complaint. Like, wanna know about what Owens did to Donovan McNabb's water bottle? Then read on, Friend, read on. Oh, and Riches© is seeking $60 million in damages. "I am subjected to nightmares," he writes. Please, who isn't? --Robert Wilonsky