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The Grammy Awards: My Top 10 Observer-ations

10. Was it just me or did Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean Combs sound just like Mike Tyson?

9. Acceptance speeches are always fascinating. Last night Lady Gaga thanked Whitney Houston and Arcade Fire thanked all of Canada. But strangest of all, Train lead singer Pat Monahan gave a shoutout to Howard Stern.

8. Craziest costume of the night easily went to Cee Lo Green, who sanitized his "Fuck You" song while dressed as a cross between a peacock, Elton John and a gladiator from 300. Then, just for fun, he was backed by a bunch of muppets and Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't explain it. Which is why it was so great.

7. The event -- which was sans host, by the way -- began with a tribute to Aretha Franklin. Not a good week for Christina Aguilera. First she forgot the words to the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLV and then last night she tripped and fell on stage. And I'm not even going to mention the fact that she had a gray tongue, as though she'd just licked the newspaper.

6. Mick Jagger and Skip Bayless obviously go to the same plastic surgeon.

5. Not that I listen to him or watch the show, but I don't think Justin Bieber would make it to the finals of American Idol. He's just a kid...with my exact, unimaginative bowl haircut from 7th grade, circa 1977. When he was singing I was sure the Nickelodeon slime was about to fall at any moment.

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4. Ricky Martin wore silver parachute pants tucked into black army boots. Swear.

3. Where art thou, rock music? Nominees for Best Rock Album included Jeff Beck, Tom Petty and Neil Young. The genre should be embarrassed. Thankfully, Muse beat those geezers out.

2. Worst, most chaotic performance of the night was by Arcade Fire, which boasts two drummers, a couple inaudible fiddles and a dude yelling into a bullhorn. Oh yeah, and two BMX riders equipped with helmet cams. Next thing you know, however, they were winning Album of the Year, setting their Grammy on a speaker and playing a song while telling the who's who of music to get the heck outta the joint.

1. Lady Gaga > Lady Antebellum. I know she's weird- evidenced by her prosthetic pointy shoulders and butt implants -- but don't tell me those aren't some sexy abs and kickin' curves. Plus, anyone else notice that she ended her performance by signaling Texas Rangers fans with the Claw?

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