Will the Real Jesus Please Rise Up and Kick John Wiley Price in the Junk?

They say the devil can quote scripture as well as the righteous, which helps explain the confusion sown by Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price, who whipped out his New Testament this week and rained thunder down on Dallas Independent School District Superintendent Mike Miles.

Price is burning with holy fire over Miles' wicked plan to fire principals and teachers at schools that fail miserably to educate students. The superintendent has been visiting some southern Dallas churches to win support for his novel notion that DISD's job of providing basic education is almost as important as its role providing employment to the friends of John Wiley Price.

See also: - John Wiley Price Seems to Be Calling For the Crucifixion of "Fake Jesus" Mike Miles - Vonciel Hill: City Council Member, Prophet, Theologian and Sell-Out

"It has come to my attention that now Pontius Pilate plans to parade through many of your churches with a fake Jesus in tow," Price wrote in a letter to 75 pastors, according to The Dallas Morning News. "It amazes me, but I must say that I am not surprised. While Pilate may find no fault in the prisoner that he has been charged to judge, we do. Thankfully, this time, we get a chance to make it right."

Many laymen were confused by Price's analogy. Who's ol' Pontius in this scenario? Does he mean school board President Lew Blackburn, who has been accompanying Miles? Why would Pontius pal around with a fake Jesus? Are the pastors the Sanhedrin? By "making it right," should we not crucify fake Jesus, or at least just rough him up a little bit? Can a fake Jesus turn water into wine, but only the cheap box crap? Can he raise the dead or merely arouse the deeply sleeping? Can fake Jesus walk on water, or just stand around on one of those infinity pools without slipping?

And how can Miles even be Jesus? Didn't City Council member Vonciel Hill say a few weeks ago that City Manager Mary Suhm was Jesus on the cross, even though Suhm at the time was accused of selling Dallas parkland to a gas driller for 30 really big pieces of silver? Can we schedule a best-out-of-three cage match between Suhm and Miles to see who is the real fake Jesus? Please, real Jesus, oh please, can we?

Alas, theology never supplies such cut-and-dried answers, so Buzz supposes this will all end up being another part of God's ineffability, much like the mystery of why anyone anywhere listens to a damn word John Wiley Price says about anything.

Truly, Buzz would like to help you sort out this puzzle, but our religious education ended when we got kicked out of vacation Bible school for giggling every time someone read the word "ass." There are a ton of asses in the Bible, it turns out, and in other places, too.

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Patrick Williams is editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer.
Contact: Patrick Williams