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My birthday is Saturday. Since I know you're wondering, here's one thing you can cross off your list: a football instructional video hosted by none other than Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells. What in the hell is Parcells gonna teach me about football that I can't not learn during his weekly press conferences? Well, according to Backyard Drills with Bill Parcells, the overweight Tuna and former football studs such as Mike Singletary, Emmitt Smith, Tim Brown and Daryl Johnston will teach young players the basics of playing football. Spare quarterbacks such as Frank Reich and Danny Wuerfel will teach you how to steal money holding a clipboard. And, of course, Vanilla Billa will sharpen your skills on playing too conservative, giving jobs to old cronies and being a condescending asshole toward the media. In other words, this video is the worst gift idea since I got a free ticket to Terrell Owens' summer football camp. --Richie Whitt