Our 2013 Best of Dallas award winner, and Observer writer, Michael "Grubes" Gruber, is renowned for nicknaming Rangers players. In fact, if you follow him on Twitter (@tweetgrubes) like thousands of other people do, then his Diamond Tweets covering the Rangers games are largely incomprehensible without extensive knowledge of the nicknames.
So, here is your Rangers nickname cheat sheet. Follow Grubes on Twitter for the season's first Diamond Tweet, mourn the loss of Lake Dad and Kitten Face, and join us here on Unfair Park for a live blog from the Ballpark With A Scary And Weird New Name. Without further ado, here's Grubes.
Hello, everyone! My name is Michael "Grubes" Gruber and the list below contains my nicknames for the 2014 version of your Texas Rangers. Why the hell is this being published here, you ask? I really don't know, either. But I do know that it's a fun little thing that brings merth and merriment to (some) Texas Rangers fans who follow me on Twitter at @tweetgrubes. I've been doing these nicknames since the 2010 season, when I determined that the now-departed Craig Gentry looks like a cat and thereafter was dubbed Kitten Face. Most of these nicknames are pretty self-explanatory, but if you don't understand them...just think on it a little more and all will be revealed.
Neal Cotts - Big Hairy Cotts Yu Darvish - Yupy Jason Frasor - Dr. Frasor Crane Neftali Feliz - Happy Matt Harrison - Harry, Andrea Kremer Derek Holland - Dutch Oven Colby Lewis - Colbra, Lumberjack Alexi Ogando - Easter Island Golf Ball Face (EIGBF) Nick Martinez - Nick Pantaloons, Little Nicky Joe Ortiz - Guillermo (Kimmel Show), Fat Joe Lefty Atlantic Martin Perez - Perez Dispenser Seth Rosin - Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express Robbie Ross - Sheriff, The Teeth Joe Saunders - Not The Golfer (NTG) Tanner Scheppers - Red Hot Chili Scheppers, RHCS Joakim Soria - Cirque Du Soria Nick Tepesch - Tepesch Mode Shawn Tolleson - Nestle, Troll Tolleson
JP Arencibia - The Catcher Arencibia Robinson Chirinos - Honey Nut Chirinos Chris Giminez - Giminez Cricket Geovany Soto - Sotopelle, Sotopillas
Elvis Andrus - Sparkles, Tiny E Adrian Beltre - OS (Oh Sh*t!) Prince Fielder - The Yellow Prince, Captain Badass, The Fielder Currently Known As Prince Mitch Moreland - The Bitch Donnie Murphy - Darkness, DONNIE MURPHEHHHHH!!!!!!! Jurickson Profar - Marlo, Circle Jurickson Josh Wilson - Lunchpail, Unicorn
Jim Aducci - Adebisi Engel Beltre - Engel In The Outfield, Touched By An Engel Michael Choice - Puppy Face Shin-Soo Choo - Choopacabra, Choopie, Pikachoo Leonys Martin - Squidward, Shanaynay Alex Rios - Bread Basket (Jim Bowden claimed chances of acquiring him "smaller than a bread basket." We got him five minutes later), Mantis
Steve Busby - Buzz, Nubber, Just The Tip Jon Daniels - JD, The Jedi Tom Grieve - Cookiepuss Ron Washington - Puff Daddy
