5 Beefs with Twin Peaks’ Latest Opening

I’m almost at a loss for words.

Almost.

Sometime on Monday, it was revealed to the Internet that the “breastaurant” chain known as Twin Peaks would be trashing up Mockingbird Station. I have some thoughts on the announcement. If you think Twin Peaks is a super great idea, if you’re SO glad it will be lifted to the second floor and squeezed in between Trinity Hall and The People’s Last Stand, you might want to click around someplace else for a few minutes.

The following are five choice beefs with Twin Peaks coming all over Mockingbird Station.

1) The Boobs. I have zero problem with boobs. Boobs are more universally appreciated than bacon. Vegetarians love boobs. Gay dudes love boobs. Straight chicks love boobs. We all love boobs. So this is NOT an attack on boobs. No boobie beef here. Oh wait. Yes, I do have some beef with boobs. Particularly, using boobs to lure people into a restaurant. I’ll let you in on a little secret: There are hot chicks with nice boobs inside nearly every bar and restaurant in the America. And you don’t even have to tip them. And OH GOOD: the menu specifies that there is no charge for the “Scenic Views,” so we can all be clear that Twin Peaks isn’t a whorehouse.

2) The Location. This is Twin Peaks’ first city of Dallas location not in a suburb or the Plastic Surgery Capital of Texas (I’m looking at you, Addison). I choose NOT to live in a suburb so that I do not have to deal with bullshit. And now the bullshit is coming to the big city? And I have to admit, Mockingbird Station was already on my shit list for its parking garage comprised entirely of “compact car” spots, and now I just don’t know if I can ever go back. At least not in my four-door sedan. I might accidentally catch a glimpse of non-ironic plaid flannel while walking past Urban Outfitters.

3) The Name. Twin Peaks is the name of a TV series. Women do not carry mountains on their chests; that’s simply ridiculous. See also: Tilted Kilt, Hooter’s, Bone Daddy’s and Redneck Heaven. I wish I were making ANY of those up. Related: I read somewhere that the motto of The Tilted Kilt is “class in all things,” which is a hilarious thing to say about a breastaurant. What they corporately mean is no tattoos, dyed hair or piercings. But cancer-tanning, showing a good amount of ass cheek and even more cleave is more than welcome, corporate-culture-wise? Wait, so you’re saying all those waitresses are natural blondes?!

4) The Website. Yeah, I’m about to pick on Twin Peaks’ website, too. It’s like the folks who created it said, “Let’s make sure everyone really, really gets allllll the innuendo. Shove it in their faces like a G-string in a Champagne Room.” With headings like “Teasers,” “Smokin’ Hot Dishes,” “Well Built Sandwiches” and “Salads.” Wait — just “Salads?” Not even “Freshly Tossed Salads?!” Am I not supposed to be thinking about tossing a waitress’ salad while trying to decide which of the whopping two salads to order? Also, who the fuck orders a salad at a breastaurant? And “Sides?” Not even “Backsides?” C’mon. I could write this shit in my sleep. OH! And there’s that photo of a burger in which the cheese has cooled. What the … are you kidding me with this? Twinnie Peaksies, at least pretend that you’re about more than just the soft core porn you’re offering up in the form of wait staff. Everybody knows that melted cheese eventually cools, but it’s best to leave a little something to the imagination. Don’t phone in the food styling, amateurs.

5) The Food. Why should I even bother to mention the food? I mean, BOOBIES, amIright? Wings, comfort food, burgers and other shit your average real man likes to eat. I’ve never eaten at Twin Peaks (shocking, I know), but I’m fairly certain it all tastes exactly like the shame you should be feeling when inside this terrible, terrible place. Have some self-respect. Huh? Look it up.

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