Audio By Carbonatix
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Dear Sleeping-Through-the-Night Jesus:
You were a baby once. I’m sure as a Jesus Baby, you slept through the Jesus night starting on Day 1. They probably named a holiday after your birth because you popped out on a fantastic 12-hours-straight sleep schedule.
So, can you ask your pops why the dong our human babies don’t shoot out knowing that sleeping for a really long time is awesome? I know he’s smart and all, what with the creating everything all the time and helping football players win games and knowing how the series finale of Breaking Bad will end before any of the rest of us know, but what the actual hell?
I’ve got a baby who’s starting to sleep through the night. But not every night. He’s teasing the sleeping through the night. And this is after three months of four-hours-at-a-time joke sleeps.
Instead of just holding out hope that this baby will sleep through the night, I’m gonna need you to hook me up with a baby software update. I don’t need a new model — this one’s super cute — I just need some more advanced features. And while you’re updating him, there are a few other things you could add that would also be greatly appreciated:
Sleeps through the night every night: Feed the baby person a bottle, turn off the lights, throw him in a crib, and he’ll start to stir five minutes after you naturally wake up, whenever that may be.
Doesn’t choke. Ever: This baby comes fully equipped with the power to swallow stuff and not choke. So you’ll never have to test your shaky knowledge of the baby Heimlich.
Shits rainbows: Poop is gross. And it’s everywhere when you have a baby around. But not anymore. Thanks to advanced Jesus Baby technology, your baby will exclusively shit rainbows. You’ll be begging for a double-rainbow diaper blowout.
Laughs as soon as he’s born: You used to spend the first few months desperately trying to get your baby to laugh, but now he’ll pop out instantly knowing how hilarious you are. That peekaboo thing you do? Kills, right out of the gate.
Fucking loves nap time: This baby will never complain about a nap. Not even once he becomes a toddler. When it’s daytime sleep time, you’ll just say the word and he’ll conk out.
Selective freak-out crying: As an added bonus, you can also use the button under the baby’s first neck fat roll to deploy freak-out crying, which can be used to exit an uncomfortable situation at any time. Want to leave a party early? Just push the button to begin the 10-minute shrieks and everyone will want you and your baby the hell out of there. (Push the same neck fat button a second time to deploy a 15-minute lullaby option that acts as a portable baby soother. Choose from 30 different songs.)
Hope you’re doing awesome rolling around in marshmallows in Jesus Heaven. Love your beard. Thanks for addressing this problem as soon as superhumanly possible.
Alice
