Audio By Carbonatix
Just about anything can take on a sexual connotation, and while efforts are being made to sex up food, what of the unsexiest of all edibles: fast food? Nope, there are still fuck-tastically named items on every drive-through menu around the Dallas area…and some billboards, too.
Here, we take our favorite dirty dishes and describe them in a way appropriate for the back of a “special” DVD, your spank bank or a wadded-up fast food bag in the backseat:
1. McRib at McDonald’s Sweet and spicy time all at once. Perfectly textured for the pleasure of all. Plus, just a little pickle tickle.
2. Double Down at KFC Oh, KFC knows you like to insert pork between two tasty, lean-ish “buns.” The Colonel’s sauce might seem unwelcome at first, but it totally makes the whole thing go down easier.
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3. BK Stacker at Burger King Some days your appetite calls for a single dose of beef, and some days you’re insatiable, demanding to stack your meat four-high. Listen to your body, people.
4. Big Carl — Carl’s Jr. The biggest and most dramatic Carl of them all. BYO plastic wrap.
5. Double-Double Animal Style at In-N-Out In between two battling planks of their perfect beef, In-N-Out will insert long, caramelized onions and exquisite sauce. Much more than you’d ever need, and so, so sweet.
6. Breakfast Toaster at Sonic Like a little morning sausage in that oven? Push the red button and place your order for hot a.m. action.
7. Quizno’s Toasty Bullet The slightly smaller version of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedo (!) comes in easy-to-remove paper pleasantries before you undress this still-impressive ammo. You don’t want to dodge this bullet, you want to wrap your mouth around it. And swallow it.
8. Five-Dollar Footlong at Subway You stand in line. What you see is what you get. Five bucks.
9. Cherry Cream Slush at Sonic So satisfyingly sweet, you won’t mind if a little spills on your chest…or if you get a little on your face.
10. Clams and More at Long John Silver’s While the clam is the main attraction, that ain’t all this dish has waiting for you.
Bonus: Beef ‘N Cheddar at Arby’s Don’t know if you’ve ever beefed cheddar before, but if you do it on a swing with some Horsey Sauce, you’re never going to forget it.
