Cheap Bastard

Hunky' s No-Hassles Wait Staff Makes the Burgers That Much Better.

Hunky's is your typical '50s throwback diner, with the added bonus that they have STD testing information on the bathroom walls. It's the diner equivalent of Sesame Street: fun and informative ("Today's episode was brought to you by the letters V and D and the number Shit!")

When it was my turn, the guy behind the counter nervously took my order. He was clearly new at this. As the line behind me got longer, an Order Pro took the wheel and told New Guy, "I got this, sweetie. You can be my drink girl." Order Pro took my order, took my name and I was just about to leave when he said, "Gonna need your signature, sweetheart. Hence the pen." I love a counter guy who gives me shit.

Here, you order at the counter, they take your name and then they bring the food to your table. It's a cheapo's dream: You essentially get all the waitress positives (delivery of food, napkins) without any of the waitress negatives. (The yammering of the daily specials, which is equally painful for her and for you, the "Everything OK over here, you guys?" interruption every two minutes—or worse, the Cup Steal. You know the dance. I've taken one sip of my iced tea, so waitress refills it, which would be fine except for the fact that it entails stealing my cup. I was just about to take another sip because I'm effing thirsty, which is why I ordered the gaddamned jumbo iced tea in the first place, not to mention the fact that I had the exact perfect amount of sugar in there, and now she's totally going to mess up the sweet/lemony balance. No, for the 43rd time, everything is not OK. Insert cleansing breath here. Admittedly, as a waitress I was guilty of this offense. I understood not the ways of the iced tea mixture when I was 18.)

Plus, you don't have to leave a tip (God, you're so cheap. I hope you at least left a little somethin' for Counter Guy).

So what should you order? I got the blue cheese burger with cheesy tots and a drink. Have to say that the burger was really nice—juicy, greasy, oozing blue cheese crumbles everywhere—and the cheesy tots, duh, they were amazing. They're cheesy tots.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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