Tom's Treats Tries, But Nothing Can Replace Cookie Talk. Except This List.

Maybe you experienced the awkwardly awesome Cookie Talk segment(s) during the Rangers broadcast. Maybe you didn't. For those suffering from the latter, above's a tip of the amazing iceberg that is now Tom's Treats.

Squirming yet? Thought so. Cookie Talk was the aural version of a car wreck. You wanted so badly to not listen. But You Just. Can't. Stop. Don't get me wrong, Tom Grieve can do no wrong. His incredibly long tenure in Major League Baseball is not only impressive, it's downright inspirational. But when you take TAG, add cookies and a live feed, it temporarily transcends what's happening on the field because nothing the players do is as hilarious as Tom Grieve and his snacks.

Much to the delight of some baseball purists out there (ahem Baseball Time in Arlington), many of whom have spent recent months vehemently protesting Cookie Talk because of its interference with the game, Cookie Talk died last week! BBTiA and all its staunch supporters won! Cookie Talk is now Tom's Treats. It's essentially an afterthought of a placement, shoved into the basement of the Fox Sport Southwest website, doomed to die an inevitable, Myspace-like death. For those of us who giddily clap at an awkward situation unfolding before us, this is a travesty. I'll never understand the protest. Perhaps they don't want to hear a legendary GM talk about cake balls. OK, understandable. Perhaps some fervent viewers feel time dedicated to thanking Miss Lonnie from Lancaster for her Luscious Lemon Bars is not in keeping with the general nature of an MLB broadcast. Eh, maybe. And then there's the Josh Lewin debate. Eh, get over it. Perhaps the term "cake balls" just makes dudes uncomfortable. Either way, I personally believe Cookie Talk was amazing, if only for how much awkwardness they were able to squeeze into a few minutes' time. It was magic.

It is my personal belief the Rangers should bring back Cookie Talk, and produce even more food-related segments that would elevate our beloved broadcasts to heights we can't even fathom.

Here are my suggestions:

Chuckie's Chickens: Chuck Morgan is given five raw chickens and must debone them in under 5 minutes.

Nolan's Nachos: Nolan Ryan samples several different types of nachos and eats them in bean bag chair in center field. May or may not be required to move when game resumes.

Eric's Enchiladas: Eric Nadel is God. Bring him pans upon pans of enchiladas and let him talk about how much he likes them. Then he picks a winner and the two of them do the Mexican Hat Dance in the outfield. Do they give Emmys for sports broadcasts? They will.

Dave's Doughnuts: Dave Barnett had a mysterious episode a while back so he's on leave. That doesn't mean he can't take doughnut deliveries at his house and Skype in his thoughts. We miss you, Dave.

Busby vs. Butterscotch: Good ol' Steve-o shoves as many chewy butterscotch candies as he can into his mouth in 1 minute. Must resume broadcast immediately.

JD's Jelly Beans: Jon Daniels must guess the exact amount of jelly beans in a jar. If incorrect, someone sitting in 306 gets all the cash in his wallet.

Gary's Goulash: Gary Pettis eats a bowl of goulash. In your seat. Because he's Gary Pettis and fuck you, that's why.

Mike's Mustache: One lucky fan is selected to smell Maddux's righteous mustache and guess his most recent meal. Free season tickets for life for a correct answer.

Rusty's Rib Eyes: Rusty Greer makes a special appearance once a month and grills steaks for the entire booth. Who wouldn't want that to happen? People who don't love America, that's who.

Rubén's Reubens: This really doesn't need an explanation. Legend meets legendary. Gimme.

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Sara Blankenship
Contact: Sara Blankenship