John Tesar Is Opening a Steakstaurant Called Knife. Plus, a List of His Next Five Restaurants.

On Friday, news broke that Spoon chef-owner John Tesar will soon open a new restaurant at Hotel Palomar, in the space that previously housed Central 214. It’ll be named Knife. It’ll be a steakstaurant. I’m sure it’ll be great.

And I’m sure that these are the next five restaurants he’ll open:

1. Spork

At Spork, modeled after New York’s PS 153, Tesar will reinvent lunchroom favorites like the Flinstone Push Pop and Old-Hairy-Under-The-Table Funky Gum.

2. Tongs
Tongs, Dallas’ hottest new salad bar, opening in the spot at Lovers Lane and Greenville Avenue previously occupied by Blockbuster, takes the wonder and pageantry of Olive Garden’s endless salad bowl and kicks it up at least one solid notch. Get your reservations yesterday.

3. Sugar Caddy

What would Tesar’s restuarants-named-after-stuff-you-find-on-a-dining-table world be without a place that serves every course to you from a sugar caddy? Each course you order here is masterfully dehydrated, then processed into a powder and sealed into paper sugar packets for your two-second enjoyment. Go with the tasting menu and you’ll get 11 packets half-ass-jammed into one caddy, just like your favorite server used to do at Bennigan’s. Get the veal! It’s gross!

4. Three Forks
That’s it. Tesar’s just buying a poop-load of those Three Forks places. People really like it there.

5. Married Ketchup
Have the dining experience of your life at Married Ketchup. The first restaurant that gets you foodies so close to the restaurant world that you’re actually making and serving yourself your own dinner. For just $300 per person, this BYOWhateverYouIdiotsAreMakingYourselvesForDinner restaurant lets you do the everything. Enjoy steamed mussels, osso buco or a frozen pizza. It’s all up to your dumb ass. Then, after you’ve served yourself your meal, regret the entire experience as Tesar makes you do sidework until the sun literally comes up.