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The year just started, and it’s already trash. We’re not talking politics, but about the fact that we’ve already lost one precious thing this month: Friends. The NBC sitcom joined a long list of shows to depart Netflix, and in doing so, joined another list: Things white people mourn when they go away. This departure got us thinking: What other artists, athletes and unnecessarily favored show or activities would inspire the same sort of mourning should White Peopleâ„¢ lose access to them?
The Chainsmokers
Because who else can make criminally juvenile and embarrassingly simple beats?
John Mayer
If he hangs it up, to whom will we turn for love songs? Ed Sheeran?
Ed Sheeran
If pumpkin spice were a person, it would be Ed Sheeran’s face.
Hallmark Christmas movies
Yeah, this one is obvious, but it’s not our fault that white people can’t get through the holidays without their yearly fix of the story of an aspiring baker played by Lacey Chabert or Danica McKellar moving to a small town and remembering what Christmas is all about. It’s about having a white Christmas. In every sense of the word.
Matching Christmas PJs for the whole family
This is just weird. Almost psychotic.
The city of Nashville
Pro tip: The secret to getting the perfect big hair is to fill your head with racism.
Cycle classes
“I took one, and it changed my life. I’m serious. Did I tell you about how it changed my life? Because it did. Now I can drink all the LaCroix I want.”
Ellen DeGeneres
This is the closest some white people get to supporting a POC.
Believing that Jesus was also white
Sure. Ya look like twins.
Bumper stickers
White people must brag to everyone on U.S Highway 75 about their children’s underwhelming achievements.
Ultimate Frisbee
Actually, anything that starts with the word “ultimate” or “monster.” Especially in porn.
Inserting a random “Y” into names
Like “Trystan” and “Ryley.” “Y” is short for “white.”
Naming kids after cities
And then sticking a random “Y” in there. Like, “Londyn” and “Madyson.”
Posting hot pictures with unrelated “inspirational” verbiage. And using hashtags like #blessed.
Take your stupid soft-wave influencer haircut and get out of here, Madyson.
Young white actors named Chris
And laughing incessantly about how they get them all mixed up.
Answering “and then some” when the cashier asks if they found everything OK.
And then laughing like they’re the first to make that joke.
Business-speak, like saying “opportunities” instead of “mistakes.”
As in, “The Dallas Cowboys have some challenging opportunities ahead, just like the Dallas Police Department.”
Traveling abroad (but not too far!) wearing the unofficial American uniform: cargo shorts with a leather belt and tall white socks and white sneakers.
It makes it easy to find them and return them to the U.S. Embassy in case they get lost.
Multilevel marketing
It’s not a pyramid scheme, OK? We’re just going to sell some knives, move some numbers around on the spreadsheet and then (maybe) get paid through Venmo in a few months.
Chiropractors
For a white person, there is no disease that a chiropractor can’t cure.
The new Kanye
Especially the part where he said Jesus Is King.
Midrange luxury brands
Like MAC cosmetics, Coach and Kendra Scott jewelry. And T-shirts that say things like “Rosé all day.”
Wearing flip-flops to bars
Traditionally, the white man must try to seduce a white woman by displaying his white toes on a date.
Using the movie White Chicks as a counter-argument against blackface.
