Wet ‘n Wedgie

Always was a Six Flags Over Texas kinda gal myself, spending day after sweat-drenched day in black Jncos, circling the park with my best friend, hoping that a 17-year-old park janitor would pick us up and teach us the true meaning of love in Casa Magnetica. But there were occasional trips to Wet ‘n Wild, though these expeditions were limited due to the difficulty of maintaining one’s dark eyeliner and looking morose in a bright blue swimsuit with a big daisy on it.

But I am attached to the water park nonetheless, despite the fact that a trip there last summer taught me I am no longer able to ignore the wealth of bacterial possibilities that exist in the lazy river. If you can, however, you’ll have a chance to experience the new “Wild Wedgie” ride when it opens at Hurricane Harbor, just in time for the 2008 Inappropriately Staring at Teenage Girls in Swimsuits season.

The Wild Wedgie stands four stories high and “will send guests flying down one side of its wings to the other at speeds of up to 23 miles per hour.” In onesies or pairs, you can “experience the thrill of this “zero gravity” ride as it propels [you] down the massive slide.”

It also boasts a “frictionless surface” and powerful “water spray jets,” just like Jim Schutze. –Andrea Grimes