Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat lunch for less than nine million dollars. This week: Urbano Cafe.
Number of available parking spots in front of the restaurant: -∞ Hungry people sitting at tables waiting for their food and giving me the stink-eye as I walked in and immediately got my lunch and walked out the door count: 8
Bitches don't like to hunt for parking spaces when they're hungry. And by "bitches," I mean "me." Me do not like it. It pisses me off when restaurants build themselves and don't build parking spots. "Hey, let's open a restaurant that serves up super delicious food in Dallas! How many parking spots? I dunno, let's see ... Dallas has a zillion people living in it, all of those people eat lunch, each drives a giant car and never carpools, so yeah -- two spots out front should do it."
It's even worse if you didn't build the location you've moved your restaurant into, because that means you think you've picked a "great spot." Newsflash: It's not a great location if there's nofuckingwheres for your patrons to park, Urbano Cafe. Do you know you're right next to Jimmy's Food Store?
But, life finds a way, right?
I called my order in for pick-up. Heard about Urbano Cafe because someone told me they had the best tomato basil soup in Dallas. (I have a raging hard-on for Le Madeline's tomato basil soup, so I was extremely skeptical. And by that, I mean I said, "That's bullshit.") So I obviously ordered a bowl of the $5 tomato basil soup, please. Yes, that's it. Fine, gimme that Parmesan chicken panini too.
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SHOW ME HOW
Then, I parked illegally, right in the face of a tree that was shouting at me, "Don't park here if you're not buying something from the convenience store. You asshole! I know you're not parking here. Aaaand you backed into the spot? Ugh! You're such a dick douche. LIES! Your parking is LIES!!! Stop her, the cops!"
Went into Urbano, picked up my food, and when I got home, it only took me one spoonful to decide put down the spoon and chug that tomato basil soup. It's fuhmazing. Urbano's tomato basil soup is so much better than Le Madeline's tomato basil soup that when I mentioned Le Madeline, Urbano's soup was like, "Who? I've never even heard of her. She should try me. I'm really, really good." I saw no description of the ingredients in the tomato basil soup on Urbano's menu, so I'll just tell you what I tasted with my super sophisticated palate: Urbano Cafe's tomato basil soup is made with tomatoes, basil, angel kisses, Ryan Gosling smirks, Salma Hayek boob touches and double rainbows. It's perfect.
The panini was fine. But it was just made with regular stuff. Get two bowls of the soup.