What the Halloween Candy You Give to Trick-or-Treaters Says About You

It happens every year. You don’t remember it’s Halloween until about two hours before dark. So you race to the store hoping they have something with enough sugar in it to placate your neighborhood kids dressed up as ghosts, witches and what appears to be a bear but may be a Chewbacca who couldn’t find a mask.

Put some thought into it. The things you throw in trick-or-treaters bags screams things about you that you didn’t even know about yourself.

Air Heads: You’ve participated in My Little Pony cosplay as an adult.

Almond Joy: You sing at least one Jimmy Buffet song on any given karaoke night.

Baby Ruth: You are proud of your burps and farts.

Big Hunk: You don’t floss.

Bit-O-Honey: When NPR has its annual fundraising week, you don’t change the station.

Butterfinger: You want “slap bracelets” to make a comeback.

Cadbury Eggs: You frequently disappoint loved ones.

Candy Corn: You have trouble living in the moment.

Circus Peanuts: You believe that God is dead and we’re all alone.

Dots: You’ve seen Phil Collins in concert.

Eye Poppers: Your soulmate has to love Jackass just as much or more than you do. 

Ghirardelli Chocolates: You’re very much in favor of eliminating the estate tax.

Gobstoppers: You force your children to like Star Wars movies.

Good-n-Plenty: You’ve purchased Christmas gifts for loved ones at a gas station.

Heath Bars: You voted for Mitt Romney.

Hershey’s chocolate bars: You say “golly” a lot.

Hershey’s Kisses: You only date people who can help you with a specific problem at that moment in your life.

Jolly Ranchers: Despite your age and height-to-weight ratio, you think you can handle riding on a scooter but you can’t.

Junior Mints: You take cold showers just to feel alive.

Kit Kat: You include Diet Coke in your daily water intake.

Krackel: You like plaid, like a lot.

Laffy Taffy: You own at least 12 airbrushed T-shirts.

Lifesavers: You bribe people with meals to get them to like you more.

M&Ms Peanut: When you tell stories, you use a lot of different voices.

M&Ms Plain: You find it difficult to love.

Mary Janes: You’ve purchased a car without test driving it.

Milky Way: The only reason you have a gym membership is because you can’t get out of the contract.

Necco Wafers: The only way you can improve your self esteem is by diminishing the self esteem of those around you.

Nerds: You yell at inanimate objects.

Nestle Crunch: You have Frasier reruns on in the background while you’re working.

Now and Laters: You don’t give a fuck anymore.

Oh Henry!: You wish you could get into woodworking but you live in an apartment and didn’t spring for the garage when you signed the lease.

Pop Rocks: Aqua’s Barbie Girl is one of the ringtones on your phone.

Pixy Stix: You long for chaos.

Ring Pop: You invite yourself to your niece’s pretend tea parties.

Rolos: You know a lot of Downton Abbey lore.

Runts: You wish you were in charges of things more.

Skittles: When you watch porn, you get lost in the story.

Smarties: You keep track of appointments and phone numbers in a physical paper calendar/organizer.

Snickers: If you took a Buzzfeed test to determine “What Color Defines Your Personality?” the result would be “beige”.

Toblerone: You’ve read The Ego and Its Own by Max Stirner more than once.

Tootsie Rolls: You don’t shower every day.

Trident Gum: You think people like you when they obviously don’t.

Twix: You have at least two maxed out credit cards.

Twizzlers: You remember when “Nickelodeon was good.”

Warheads: You have trouble expressing your emotions until you’re backed into a corner.

Whoppers: You own a corduroy sport coat with elbow patches.

York Peppermint Pattie: A lot of your social media posts start with the phrase, “hey all you [insert your opposing political party here], answer this for me…”