Lauren Drewes Daniels
Audio By Carbonatix
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The hardest thing to spell at Tanstaafl Pub in Arlington might be its own name. The letters are like a rack of Scrabble tiles waiting to be made into something proper.
My friend told me during a spelling bee at the pub on a recent Friday night that it’s an acronym for the phrase “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.”
No, there sure ain’t, Tami.
So now I call it the “no-free-lunch” place. It’s just easier.
The no-free-lunch place
This is a quirky — nerdy — dive bar along Bowen Road in central Arlington next to nothing in particular: there’s a QuikTrip on the corner and mechanic shops all around.
On Aug. 1, around 8:30 p.m., many spellers had amassed inside, with large white paper numbers pinned to their shirts. The space is dark, well air-conditioned, and has a long bar with a bright fish tank behind it. Bar tenders are superbly friendly. Tables are spread across a big room. There are two pool tables in the back and a few dart boards around, along with a small stage in one corner.
A group was playing Uno at a table while waiting for the bee to start. Specials at the bar included Spelling Bee Juice for $3, and all drinks that start with a J were just $4, the regular Friday special. D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S.
Mel and Neil Leroy own the spot; she inherited it from her parents. Mel says Tanstaafl is the oldest dive bar in North Texas under the same family ownership. The public house has been around since 1976.
Mel emceed the spelling bee, which had about 35 contestants. By way of an intro, she told everyone that if they’d just come to a dive bar for a spelling bee, “you’ve met your people,” and the crowd applauded.
Rules are pretty straightforward: it’s “Scripps-ish.” You don’t have to say the word before and after spelling it. You can ask the emcee questions, but you might get booed for it. She might not entertain your inquiry. She told one regular, “I am enunciating, asshole.”
The bee has been part of the bar’s regular programming for about a decade; they also host PowerPoint presentations, crafts and trivia.
Anyone can enter (I did not. I might not be able to spell my name correctly with a mic in my hand.) The line wraps around the bar. Contestants who spell the word correctly go to the back of the line; if you get it wrong, a bell of shame tells you to sit down. At one time there was a mandatory shot after every round, but the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission didn’t like that, and honestly, it seems unnecessary. It’s fun enough without the liquid courage.
Fifth-grade starter words
The first word, which starts at a fifth-grade level, was “squeeze.” Stephen Fornal, contestant No. 1, took care of business quickly.
“Separate” was second. The third word, “necessary,” claimed the first victim of the evening: good news, the first loser gets a free drink.
Spelling nerds are a tough crowd
Spellers can be a clangorous group. “Appellate” was the first real challenge of the night and sat a few people down, including the girl next to me and her friend, who had a hard time letting it go (it did seem hard for the early round). They’d randomly yell “Spell appellate” throughout the night.
As the night wore on, and more spellers took a seat — and the crowd had more of those $4 Js — things got rowdy. Well, spelling bee rowdy. Someone in the crowd asked them to “Shut the fuck up” so they could hear the spellers. The crowd would “ooooh” with hard words, like “occipital.” “Tourniquet” turned out to be quite tricky and saw about four victims. As each next person tried, the crowd would hang on to every letter, sometimes giving away too much as the speller tried to pick their way through a word.
N-I-C-K
The spelling bee is held about once every quarter. The last winner was Nick. “Freesia” had tripped up several people. Nick was up. He had the advantage of knowing several ways not to spell it. He grabbed the microphone and looked up at the ceiling for guidance. Someone yelled, “Come on, Nick! N-I-C-K.” He got it right, and the crowd cheered.
Mel says one of the hardest words ever was “obelisk,” which sat down eight people in one contest.
The face-off
In the end, contestant No. 1, Stephen Fornal, went against contestant No. 32, Lu Godfrey.
The final word of the night was “implacable.” No. 1 Fornal doubled up on the “c” and got the bell. So, Godfrey had a chance to get it right, then get another word correct to win it all. She got implacable.
Her final word, to get her name on the certificate, was “nuisance,” which, some would argue, is easier than “appellate.”
Keep an eye on their Instagram for the next spelling bee.
