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Despite there being a church on what feels like every corner, and a fair percentage of those being megachurches, Dallas is full of sinners, according to a new report, and not us. Don’t shoot the messenger.
A study from WalletHub named Dallas the eighth most sinful city in the United States. Naturally, analysts observed the city across the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. You’re probably wondering how, exactly, you measure a city’s sinfulness. It’s mostly crime data and Google search records, of course, as well as other obvious metrics, such as the number of spray tan parlors within city limits and the high school dropout rate.
For sins like lust, which Dallas ranks seventh for in the nation, the analysts examined Google search traffic for the term “Tinder.” Maybe if the analysts had spent Saturday night after Saturday night Ubering home alone from Knox Henderson, they’d understand why we need all the help we can get.
We’re horny, what can we say? You would be too if you lived close enough, but still too far, from the unofficial Sexy Man Capital of the World: Austin.
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The study also analyzed factors such as Google search interest for “XXX Entertainment,” which any man in state lines can tell you, is likely to be a lot of searching and not a lot of actual watching. As of last year, porn perusers are required to submit their government-issued identification to access popular pornsites like PornHub. You can still access seedier websites without having to relinquish a profile headshot and your legal address to the sex work industry, but the Observer does not accept culpability for any viruses one might obtain on their great hunt for videos of naked girls french kissing.
You can thank Attorney General Ken Paxton for that one, who himself is enduring a divorce filed on “biblical grounds,” which is the politically correct way of saying the sin known as adultery. Don’t worry, Paxton is working almost daily to enforce a new law that requires public school teachers to display the Ten Commandments. So even if he could use a refresher, the next generation certainly won’t.
According to the report, Dallas also has a problem with envy. This was determined through theft and fraud statistics. So we’re a bunch of horny liars with some sticky fingers.
On the bright side, Dallas ranked low for greed, as well as gluttony, which WalletHub classifies as excessivity and vice usage. For that, they used the presence of casinos and marijuana usage, neither of which is legal in Texas, among other measures. So, for once, our lack of legal access to fun puts us ahead. Or behind, depending on how much you fear the fiery kiss of Hell.
Las Vegas was ranked the most sinful city, expectedly. However, in a not-that-surprising twist, Houston ranked second. We’ve always believed something was off there, and now we have proof from the Puritans.
We’re of the opinion that Dallas’ greatest sins are far beyond the typical. A far worse offense than consuming some THC is paying $17 for a vodka soda at a pretentious speakeasy that is neither a true speakeasy nor fun to be in, but your friend says you just had to go, which happens nearly every day in this city.
Or maybe reading the free news of your city’s only alt-weekly and never contributing to keep the city’s journalism scene alive.
