Shaken and Stirred

So we have this pet peeve involving T-shirts. We don’t mind a good vintage one or even an ironic one once in a while. What we loathe, however, is one in particular. In bold letters, it shouts, “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!” It has a certain fratty and redneck guffaw attached to it that we can practically hear ringing in our ears. And maybe we’re a little bitter because, for us, the statement is true.

All it took was a rather large bottle–let’s just call it a vat–of tequila, a shaker and plenty of mixers to figure out that we are dangerous when it comes to concocting libations. While the identities of our co-workers participating in our taste trial is secret, it’s enough to know that three of us gathered one evening to try out the tequila cosmopolitan we had seen on Sex and the City, along with some other cocktail recipes. Normally our social schedule is packed, so this was a rare occasion of sheer boredom and stupidity.

It seemed simple enough: Add ice to the shaker, pour in various ingredients, secure the other side of the shaker and shake. What seems obvious now was never considered. Hold the shaker where the two halves meet to prevent separation and disaster. Yeah, didn’t do that. When one side of our hair finally dried it was a fantastic sweet and crunchy style that provided endless entertainment for our fellow tasters. And when we finally got all of the cranberry juice off the walls, it was around midnight. But not to be thwarted, we decided to try some other recipes using things from the fridge, since our confectioner’s sugar and other ingredients bought for the night’s mixing were soaked in the explosion and we had to resort to MacGyver-ing the remainder of our drinks.

What followed involved Fresca, lime juice, Crush soda, Equal sweetener and some very tired tonic water. Having tasted all of our various experiments, the tequila level was at that point quite high in our low-tolerance blood stream, and some time was spent on the carpet loudly detailing the merits of Charles Nelson Reilly over Nipsy Russell as a panel guest on Match Game PM. Our hostess was keeping us in Camels and urging us to drink some more water…until she passed out wearing three hats and in the middle of a rousing rendition of “Shake Ya Tailfeather.”

Waking in the morning on the table, head on a roll of paper towels and hugging a bottle of Windex, we decided that perhaps next time we should just head to a bar and let the professionals work their magic. Fortunately for us–and anyone we ever make a drink for in the future–the El Tesoro Mixology Tour is headed our way Wednesday. For a bit of green, mixology expert George Delgado will educate participants in the ways of preparing the El Tesoro platinum cosmopolitan (the right way, as opposed to our very, very wrong way), lemon drop (yep, tried that one, too) and the ultimate tequila beverage, the margarita. A little Mexican cuisine from host restaurant Mattito’s will help soak up some of the spirits.

We’re ready to try again. At one time, we swore we’d never swallow tequila again, but, now, seeing the error of our preparation, we think that’s entirely our fault and remove the blame from the liquor. If George is up for it, maybe he can teach us to create the perfect cocktail without incurring replacement fees for two picture frames, a coffee mug, an area rug and three martini glasses. Our apologies again to our hostess and a heads up to George: Watch out, we’re coming.