Audio By Carbonatix
It’s been 12 years since a fire took the home of North Texas professional wrestling, the famed Dallas Sportatorium, thus extinguishing the notion of North Texas as a hotbed for dudes in underwear fake-punching each other.
Before Sportatorium’s demise, professional wrestling was already limping along, thanks to the Dallas-based World Class Championship Wrestling’s folding more than a decade earlier. Since then, “wrasslin'” has again found its legs. The once-named WWF went national; made a ton of money; changed its title to WWE; gave us a top-grossing action movie star; and generally pissed off right-wing television pundits with its over-the-top story lines.
Saturday, WWE Live takes over the AAC so we’ve gone down the rabbit hole and put together a list of the most WTF moments in wrestling history. Get ready folks, it’s about to get real Dadaist up in this blog.
*****
Ultimate Warrior Meets Arsenio Hall
Cocaine is a hell of a drug (or maybe it’s the coffee?). At least Arsenio survived — when Andy Kaufman and Richard Belzar appeared on talk shows with wrestlers, they both got “injured.” And it’s not like they did what Aresino did and shaded the wrestler’s drug use during the whole interview. This isn’t even the weirdest thing the Ultimate Warrior has done; back in 2003, he spoke to College Republicans about campaign fundraising. C-Span was there, and the video is amazing. He also did a bunch of bizarre commercials for Westway Ford back when he was wrestling in Dallas in the ’80s.
*****
Stone Cold Steve Austin Hates Supermarkets
This is the weirdest episode of Supermarket Sweep I have ever seen. Stone Cold spends part of the video just chugging beers and chucking eggs. Little-known fact: He learned this during his time at North Texas in Denton; it’s an elective class for American history students.
*****
The Shockmaster
I have no idea what’s going on here, but the tubby dude who just fell through the wall is called The Shockmaster, and his mask is a Ke$ha-fied stormtrooper helmet. I’m 99 percent sure this is one of Will Ferrell’s Funny or Die pranks.
*****
The Muppets
The big blond dude in the singlet is the least believable Muppet of all time. Either this is something that actually happened, or I’ve lost my mind and am now sitting in an institution, drooling and muttering terrible Fozzie jokes to the wall while wrestling plays on the activity room television.
*****
That Time They Re-created the OJ Simpson Chase
For those among you STILL starving for nostalgia, everything in this clip screams “’90s!” There’s Roddy Piper’s leather jacket, a Natural Born Killers reference, and, well, an extended homage to the O.J. Simpson white Bronco chase, complete with live look-ins from a helicopter chasing the Bronco speeding down a California highway. Wrestling — the cutting edge of parody, you guys!
*****
Samoa Joe Is Kidnapped by Ninjas
I don’t know who “Samoa Joe” is. I don’t know what “TNA” is. I do know that when I asked a few people for WTF wrestling moments, three different people sent me this clip with the sentence, “There was the time Samoa Joe was kidnapped by ninjas and was gone for, like, six months.”
In the world of wrestling, “ninja” is code for dudes in black hoodies and blue jeans.
*****
Billy & Chuck’s Commitment Ceremony
Way back in 2002, before the surge in pro-marriage equality activism and serious challenges to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell were presented, wrestling fans were totally accepting of two wrestlers having a “tag team partner commitment ceremony.” (Seriously, the boos in that video are only somewhat noticeable, right?). Of course, everything went to hell when the two wrestlers involved stopped their commitment ceremony to reveal that the whole thing was a publicity stunt to help their careers. You won’t believe this, but GLAAD didn’t react well to the ordeal, and the skit was quickly swept under the rug. Still, this would not be the worst media blunder they would commit.
*****
The Day of the London Bombings, the WWE Runs with a Terrorist Angle
On 7/7/05 a terrorist attack on London public transit systems cost 52 people their lives. Three hours later, the WWE had a group of masked men in fatigues attack The Undertaker on behalf of an Arab-American wrestler. The ensuing media shit storm cost the wrestler his job, the WWE a ton of PR points, and set the bar for good taste down about a thousand giant belt notches.
*****
Macaulay Culkin’s Last Hurrah
Here’s something a bit lighter: a leprechaun fights a bro with an extreme goatee and sideburns; as they chase each other backstage, goatee bro opens a door and gets hit by a paint bucket on a string. A minute later, Macaulay Culkin shows up to remind everyone about that scene in Home Alone. It’s like a Buzzfeed article come to life.
*****
Vince McMahon Sacrifices His Daughter to the Devil
So back in the ’90s when the WWE was doing everything they could to piss off censors and parent advocacy groups, they ran a story line in which The Undertaker was sacrificing people to some greater evil. One of these sacrifices turned out to be WWE owner Vince McMahon’s daughter Stephanie. In the end, she was saved by none other than McMahon’s arch-nemesis, Stone Cold Steve Austin. This story ended with McMahon himself revealed as the Big Bad, which means he ordered The Undertaker to sacrifice his daughter to himself — talk about awkward family holiday dinners. This would not be the worst thing they did to Stephanie.
*****
Triple H Drugs Stephanie McMahon, Takes Her to Vegas, Sham Marries Her.
What type of fuckery do we have here? There are implications of rape, drugged drinks, a sham marriage and general misogyny all in the name of a story in which a guy sticks it to his boss. Oh, and there are wild cheers throughout the whole ordeal. Stay classy, pro wrestling.
*****
John Cena Tosses Kevin Federline Like a Rag Doll, Fulfills the Dream of Millions of Americans
Quick reminder on exactly who this faded celebrity is: Kevin Federline, aka K-Fed, became famous because Britney Spears had a breakdown, saw him standing backstage one night, and said, “I guess he’ll do.” Federline proceeded to fulfill every stereotype of an idiotic American douchebag by flaunting his new-found fame and being a dick to the mother of his children.
He parlayed this into an appearance on a WWE show, where he was beaten down by John Cena. Appearing on a pro-wrestling show is basically minute 12 of your 15 minutes of fame — just ask the guy in our next video.
*****
Andy Warhol Shows up at Wrestlemania
Let’s step back a moment: Andy Warhol, Mr. T, Captain Lou Albano, Hulk Hogan and Cyndi Lauper are all standing together. Read that again. The ’80s were fucking weird, and Andy has a look on his face that says, “Why the hell did I agree to this?” Listen, in a fantasy world where people claim to be from parts unknown, the boogeyman is personified, supermarkets are wrecked by angry Texans and the owner of the company once sacrificed his own daughter to the devil inside, not one of those things is more surreal than Andy “King of all Pop Art” Warhol showing up backstage at Wrestlemania.
