Ted Cruz Steps Up as the Joe McCarthy of Children's TV

After targeting women, minorities, the LGBTQ community, immigrants, teachers, scientists, celebrities and animals, Republicans have found their latest feud. Apparently, absolutely no one is safe from conservative  scorn, as the feathery Sesame Street icon Big Bird has become the latest victim of their conspiracy theories. What does it say about the state of American politics that the headline “Ted Cruz drags Hillary Clinton in ongoing Big Bird controversy” is an actual news story and not The Onion?

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is bothered that the beloved yellow bird is encouraging children to get the COVID-19 vaccine via his Twitter handle. Why children would be on the toxic platform and why Big Bird needs an account are discussions worth having, but the children’s television icon of 50 years is aiding in public safety and spreading the word about the effectiveness of vaccines.

Any good intentions are bound to spark some sort of outrage, and Cruz launched his latest botched attempt at comedy by mocking Big Bird’s outreach attempts.

Big Bird’s feathers didn’t seem to get too ruffled, as he’s yet to weigh in on the Twitter war, only admitting that his wings were a bit sore after receiving the vaccine. Cruz, however, is treating him as public enemy No. 1.

We give up. Who’s his next combatant? We thought of a few figures no one could possibly hate, except maybe Ted Cruz.

Ronald McDonald

Maybe the clown’s kindness to children is enough to involve him in a QAnon conspiracy.

Robin Hood

Steal from the rich, give to the poor? He's like Bernie Sanders in green tights. (We apologize for any mental images we might have sparked there. 

R2-D2

Doesn't speak English, comes from a galaxy, far, far away. Possibly Honduras, dunno. He's obviously an immigrant.

The Lone Ranger

HE WEARS A MASK! Granted, it's over his eyes, but still, HE WEARS A MASK!

The Berenstain Bears

Papa, Mama, Brother, and Sister are all fine, but “Baby” isn’t conforming to traditional gender roles.

Mr. Owl From The Tootsie Pop Commercials

Probably a spotted owl and obviously an academic, what with his evidence based test to tell how many licks in a Tootsie Pop. Short of his waving a red flag and singing "The Internationale," we don't know how more clearly he could hoot, "I'm a pinko."

Scooby-Doo

He and the Scooby gang are too encouraging of marijuana culture and teen happiness. And Fred wears an ascot — or is that a scarf? Whatever, it doesn't exactly scream "cis" does it?

Greg Heffley from Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Honestly, at this point we’re looking to find someone who no one except Cruz could have a problem with.