Fathers, be good to your daughters. Because John Mayer is gonna bang them.You know John Mayer is the bomb. John Mayer is making boinkloads of money lying to girls about how pretty they are, and all you fools are jealous. John Mayer is getting laid. A lot. I bet he…
After I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail with friends in junior high, we spent about the next decade quoting it back and forth. “I’m not dead yet!” “And he’s got big fangs, like this.” “I fart in your general direction.” It was funny to us and annoying to…
Some people don’t do drugs because they’re against the idea. I don’t do drugs because I can’t afford all the Cheetos, Doritos and STD testing it would require. Plus, I’m allergic to patchouli and crack rocks (I had a really thorough scratch test). 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. Wednesday, bust…
Me: Knock, knock. You: Who’s there? Me: Shawn Wayans. You: Shawn Wayans who? Me: Shawn Wayans. Ya know, that guy who used to be the DJ on In Living Color and now changed his job from being cool to being the guy who lets you know in the preview for…
If I ever thought global warming was a load of donkey crap, all those ideas washed away as Rain Tour 2007 was like “Is that all you got?” to my windshield wipers last week. I say it’s time to seriously think about how we’re gonna win the war against global…
I’m perfect gang material. I mean, I love the matching jackets, and I’m super great at tying bandanas. I could be front row in any gang versus gang dance-off, any day. But, last time I went to gang tryouts, things looked way less like West Side Story and Grease than…
Have you seen the previews for that movie Bug that’s coming out? Ya know, the one starring the least creepy but least talented Judd? It looks all kinds of scary. Like, the regular horror film “Aaaaah! Bugs all over me get offa me get offa me!” type of scary plus…
When I signed up to write about the Firemen’s 5K, I was all, “Too easy. Firemen are hot. Firemen all sweaty? Even hotter. I’ll make jokes about kittens stuck in trees. Innuendo about firemen and their hoses.” But when I went to their Web site, I saw that the race…
I don’t heart the valet. I want to take its little silent “t” and knee it in the balls. Why am I supposed to be totally OK with handing my keys over to a stranger and then paying him to hide my car from me? I bet the first guy…
Enjoy the wonder of the great outdoors in Dallas this summer on a restaurant patio. It’s like camping, but with real restrooms and deodorant, and there’s a place for whatever you’re in the mood for. For Carnivores and Veggiewhores I really like eating lots and lots of meat. Which means…
The problem with making Top Gun into a musical is that Top Gun is already a musical, as is any movie that has Kenny Loggins on the soundtrack. Footloose? Musical. Caddyshack? Musical. Caddyshack 2? Practically an opera. I can’t wait to see how the writers of Top Gun! The Musical…
Chris Daughtry and Lifehouse will be at Taste Addison this weekend as part of the Two Worst Bands Ever If You Even Count Chris Daughtry’s Band as a Band Tour. Seriously, though—Chris Daughtry rocks so hard. I heard that one time he cussed onstage. I heard he was in the…
The 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is my favorite movie of all time. So, when somebody told me about the remake, I was like, “Eff that!” And when they told me the Oompa-Loompas were CG, I was like, “Eff that!” And when they told me Johnny Depp was…
Although the song in Wonderful Town titled “100 Easy Ways (to Lose a Man)” does talk about a bunch of different ways you could lose a guy, I was surprised it never mentioned these surefire ways you can lose your man: do his grandpa, ask him to do a chore,…
I like Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. And, no, not just because Alice is my first name. I mean, I have a special hate for that Brady Bunch Alice, and I can barely stand the girl in “Alice’s Restaurant”—what a prude. I don’t know what it is about Alice from…
One time, I pissed off a carny. He ran this ride called The Paratroopers with these swings that just went round and round and swooped up and down for what seemed like forever. I thought it would be cool. My motion sickness did not think it was cool. And then…
Starting at 2 p.m. Sunday, spend your afternoon in a dream world of magic at Narnia: The Musical, now showing at Casa Mañana Theatre, 3101 W. Lancaster Ave. in Fort Worth. I would love to see them dropping Hamiltons and visiting Magnolia to munch on some cupcakes, but I think…
If I hear one more person who’s not Aretha Franklin singing an Aretha Franklin song, I’m going to throw my cat against a wall. Why does every drunken white girl think she can do justice to “Natural Woman”? Cracker Chick, next time your appletini tells you, “It’s time to bust…
Lions are awesome. I wish we could have lions as pets. My lion would have a cute name so when he grew up to maim Dakota Fanning, everyone would totally be on his side. They’d be all, “There’s no way Fluffykins would ever do that. Dakota’s stupid Stewey-looking face must…
Get your chainmail chaps, your magic wand and your creepy leather out, folks. It’s time for the Scarborough Renaissance Festival. You want State Fair food served to you by toothless wenches? No need to go to Hooters (although I hear their wings are awesome). Scarborough has exactly what you need…
I’ve seen street performers before. Some of them are pretty cool. Like, Really Old White Dude Who Does The Robot To No Music, and I Painted Myself Gold And I Will Not Do Even One Trick Guy, and Uncle No Pants. My favorite is Girl In A Short Skirt And…
Dear sweet, sweet Bacon. I love you. Especially when you’re all peppery and yummified at the AllGood Café. I don’t know why it should come as such a shock to me that I would fall in love with a pork product, but you are the best. I love you in…
