Did you ever read that Flowers in the Attic book? It’s creepy. Locking your kids in the attic I understand (kids are annoying and stinky), but the incest part of that book always made me cringe. Maybe it was that I could never ever picture making out with one of…
I’m Irish (What? Laussade is totally an Irish name. I shortened it from McO’Malleylaussade). Being part of the Irish club is cool. It means I’m lucky, I sunburn easily, and my alcoholism and my inability to cook are genetic. If you’re Irish, or you like Irish stuff or you just…
He made the Statue of Liberty vanish. He levitated over the freakin’ Grand Canyon. He was knighted by the French government. Four nations pay tribute to him on their postage. He owns an island in the southern Bahamas where he says he’s discovered a fountain of youth that brings dead…
This weekend, Dallas Blooms starts at the Arboretum. And you’re so going. The festival features more than 400,000 (I can’t tell you exactly how many because that’s as high as I can count) bulbs. There will be tulips, daffodils and azaleas, and since this year’s theme is “Flower Power,” you…
Want to see some creepy pallbearing clowns jump around at a funeral? Go pay a million fafillion dollars and see Frenchie’s Cirque du SoNotAsCoolAsItUsedToBe. Me? I’m paying 15 bucks to see the Vault Texas 2007 Benefit. It’s got all the gymnastics you could possibly want—and it’s on horseback. Did you…
Addison is so cute and innocent, with its Flight Museum and its piano bar and its street signs that exclaim, “Addison!” So, of course, they’re inviting sweet Jim Norton (of Lucky Louie awesomeness—Is HBO seriously dropping that? Stupid, HBO.) to perform at the Improv Comedy Club in Addison this week…
There are tons of stories about Jesus in the Bible. Yeah, I read it. What? But one thing Matty, Mark, Luke and John left out was how at the end of every school year Jesus’ dad and his virginal mom drove him to Jesus Camp. There was Jesus horse riding,…
Come see A Dating Game 7:30 p.m. this Friday at Repertory Company Theatre’s new Promenade Theatre, 650 N. Coit Road in Richardson. It’s an original musical show that claims it’s “perfect for a date.” I say it’s only perfect to drag a date to an “original musical” if you’re going…
Melons. Knockers. Cha-chas. Woo-woos. Hoo-hoos. Ta-tas. Roundies. Fun bags. Love bubbles. Honkers. Hooters. Jugs. Naughty pillows. Whoppers. Headlights. Twin peaks. Watermelons. Tig ol’ bitties. Harmonic oscillators. Mammaries. Airbags. Gazongas. Mary Kate and Ashley. Orbs. What-nots. Personalities. Breasteses. Zeppelins. Man boobs (only they’re on women). Babaloos. Umlauts. Twofers. Gajunka-junks. Join the…
I miss ¡Three Amigos! Steve Martin. I miss Little Shop Creepy Dentist Steve Martin. Who wants Cheaper by the Dozen Steve Martin? Or Shop Girl “Now that I’m a senior, I decided to be a love interest and kiss Claire Danes on the face” Steve Martin? Not me. But, Writer…
If you haven’t been to the rodeo, you haven’t lived. There’s just something about the combined smells of horse crap, hay and chili dogs that’ll change a person’s life altogether. Plus, the barrel racing is rad, the bull riding is zero to eight seconds of awesome, and the cotton candy…
Did you know that there are circa 1970 nude pictures of Dr. Laura Schlessinger (aka Dr. Whore-a) on the Internet? (I’ll wait while you go fact-check that.) During her radio show on 100.7 The Jesus, she says sex before marriage is immoral. But those nekkid Internet hippie boobs of hers…
Watch out, Shakira: Kathryn Evans is in the house. And I hear she’s got a mean set of pipes. Sure, you’re great at shaking your hips in the desert, and you do a spot-on impression of Kermit the Frog. But Kathryn’s renditions of those old-school 19th-century Spanish hits are off…
Who could possibly be less Mexican than Charlton Heston? William Shatner (“Spock—pass me—those—churros.”)? Heidi Klum (“¡Nina Garcia!”)? How did Heston ever get cast as a Mexican official? Maybe Orson Welles was impressed by his chipotle-mayo gordita portrayal of Ben Hur. Or, perhaps he was taken aback by his extra hot…
I love the Winter Olympics. My beef with them is that they only come around every four years. How could they think I can possibly wait that long before I see some more figure-skating dudes in spandex onesies? But, it’s OK. Because now I can get my figure-skating fix and…
Little kids are funny. They can’t walk very well, they’re not very smart and they smell weird. They’re like a bunch of tiny Anna Nicole Smiths. My favorite thing that happens when the little bastards are around is when their parents pick them up in the air and smell their…
I did a fantastic job warming the bench for my high school soccer team. Sure, in Texas, the benches stay pretty warm on their own—but my soccer coach saw from the first day that I had talent in the ways of bench-warming, and she wouldn’t let those heat-radiating cheeks go…
Recipe for a Gingerbread Village: Gather ingredients. With an electric mixer, cream 100 pounds of butter and 80 pounds of sugar until fluffy. Beat in 500 eggs, one at a time. Add cinnamon, ginger, salt, baking soda, and flour. Mix well. Bake at 350 degrees for at least one hour…
Arguably the lamest holiday of the year, New Year’s Eve boils down to a celebration of one thing: relationships. Every year at the stroke of midnight, New Year’s Eve points at you and says, “Ha, ha! You’re single and alone!” At that precise moment in time, you can actually feel…
Every family has its holiday traditions. Maybe your family puts meaningful ornaments on your gigantic Christmas tree together. Or, every year, you decorate homemade holiday cookies. Maybe you’re that one family that goes caroling in matching sweaters (How do you find those fantastic matching sweaters and perfect harmonies?). My family’s…
A Christmas Carol is my favorite Christmas story (right before Die Hard). I watch the George C. Scott version every year. And every time I see it, The Ghost of Christmas Past freaks me out a little less and the revelation of Ignorance and Want beneath the robes of Christmas…
When you leave the theater after seeing a good movie, you might say, “Wow! That was great.” When you leave the theater after a bad movie, you probably say something like, “There’s no way those traveling pants fit all of those girls,” or “I just think Vin Diesel brought more…
