The first time I saw Rachael Ray on the Food Network, she was teaching her viewers how to prepare a frozen bag of mixed veggies for dinner. I would rather put my hand in a KitchenAid mixer set on “HI” than watch this lady’s TV show. I would rather lick…
Damn you people. You know that you have more than 10 items in your basket, but you pull into the express lane anyway. When everyone else in line is holding their little basket in the crook of their arm, you roll up with your entire cart full of groceries and…
For me, parades are a perfect storm: They draw huge crowds of people (which scare me), and they include giant inflatable Santas (which scare me almost as much as Fall Out Boy and JoJo being at the same concert venue at the same time. What if they do a duet?…
Velveteen Rabbit is pissed: PlayStation 3 is here, Barbie’s Dream House is now three stories tall, and Tickle Me Elmo learned Spanish. How’s a bunny supposed to compete? The only “features” he brings to the table are that he’s made of knockoff velvet and could give you scarlet fever. You…
As a kid, participating in spelling bees was a lose/lose situation. Spell a word wrong onstage in front of all of your friends and you look like an idiot. Win the whole thing and you immediately realize that the title of “Spelling Bee Winner” does not get you the chicks…
The best days in elementary school were the days we got to skip out of class. Once, my mom wrote me a fake doctor’s note so I could get out of school to see a museum exhibit. I can’t remember whether or not the exhibit was cool, but my mom…
I know you love to judge. You’re just a big ol’ bag of judgment love. When Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got together, you were all, “Isn’t he gay?” And when Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston got together, you were all, “Isn’t he gay?” Well, crack those judgmental knuckles and…
You’ve visited the Book Depository, the Grassy Knoll and the X in the street at least a hundred times. You’ve listened to all the facts, bought the memorabilia and stood in the window. But the conspiracy still lingers: Did the government dye John F. Kennedy black to hide him from…
Bust out the absinthe and hide your guns, everybody: Vincent Van Gogh is in the house. From now until January 7, the Dallas Museum of Art (or, as I like to call it, Not The Kimbell) is hosting Van Gogh’s Sheaves of Wheat,, the largest collection of Van Gogh works…
Halloween is my favorite holiday for two reasons: (1) It’s the only day of the year you can take candy from strangers without getting felt up, and (2) I love costumes. When I was little, I dressed up as Peter Pan for Halloween for three years in a row. From…
Have you seen the previews for Employee of the Month—that romantic comedy about discount superstore employees? I can’t guarantee that it will suck, but I’m going to anyway. Does Hollywood really have room for Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds? I say they should have a fight to the death, and…
The undead walk among us. From Joan Rivers to Michael Jackson, they’re everywhere. And the only way we’re getting rid of them is by bludgeoning their skulls or burning their corpses—but don’t do it. Farrah Fawcett will go ape-shit on you if you come at her with a lighter. She…
Right now, there’s an episode of Law and Order on TV. And here’s how it goes: If it’s the beginning of the show (DUN DUN), someone just found a body. A cop arrives to deliver some witty banter and point his blacklight at walls. Then, a suspect is booked (who…
Who sings “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” better than Gene Autry? Nobody. He made that song one of the best-selling singles of all time. I think he might have even been the mastermind behind the “Like a light bulb!” backup. During his career, the Singing Cowboy appeared in 94 feature films…
No-talent American Idol finalist Constantine Maroulis is once again ready to serenade you breathily and in no particular key. He’s out to prove that being disgust-o in the looks department does mean you can’t be sexy. You’ll see all of his moves: Squinty Eyes, Pointin’ Atcha and, of course, I…
Sweet fried Tilt-A-Whirl, it’s time! Friday through October 22, your chance to eat like you have a third stomach and scream your lungs out in happy happiness is here. The State Fair of Texas is back—with its auto show and its livestock auction and its gigantic Ferris wheel. It’s so…
I think we can all agree that Gigli was the No. 1 horror movie of all time. Thanks to Ben Affleck’s participation in the film, it became the gruesomely terrifying feature that it was written to be. During early screenings of the movie, viewers were so moved by his performance…
These days, Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher is looking more and more like Dr. Frank-N-Furter. I’m crossing my fingers that this season she performs “The Time Warp.” It’s not her fault, though. She’s getting older, and trying to fight the crinkles means you gotta grab that trowel and slop on…
You: a gumshoe hunting a robber chick in a yellow coat. Them: Rockapella, the a cappella group that made the intro music so good. You remember them from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (Who, by the way, was the O.G. of putting the Miss in misdemeanor.) But where…
To see a movie at the theater, you pay at least five bucks—and that’s assuming they take that old, busted student I.D. of yours that says “SRS 99!” on it. Then, after the movie, you’re like, “Damn. I can’t believe I just paid five bucks to see Magic Ed Norton…
Thought Napoleon Dynamite might have been a History Channel documentary about a French emperor who’s into explosives? We all did. It’s not. But, a lot of people think it’s still really good. Some even think it’s worth more than a few viewings, so you should take the opportunity this Friday…
Switching the lights on and off really quickly—this is what most of us call experimenting with light. Starting Friday night, the 6th Annual MindFest returns to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History, 1501 Montgomery Street, to expand your definition of light experimentation with “Trip the Light Fantastic!” At…
