If there’s a group of people you don’t want to piss off, it’s the Germans. No, not because they once tried to take over the world, but because they have given us a variety of important artifacts, and we don’t want to have to give them back. I’m talking beer—I’ll…
On a rainy night in a North Dallas classroom, 40 voices speaking simultaneously create a mid-level hum, punctuated by the occasional high-five or revelatory “Yes!” Teachers and students sit side by side or across from each other, books open on the folding tables before them. They’ve come here for a…
The press conference starts in 45 seconds, and I am going to be late. Oh, I’m hurrying as fast as I can, jogging down a path lined with picket signs and a couple of motorcycles. I can see the platform up ahead where everyone will be gathering to hear about…
The VIP card is a delicate and dangerous thing. Obtained via one’s prestige, wealth (parental or personal) and ability to shamelessly schmooze, it can open doors to many exclusive experiences. But recent evidence suggests overuse can result in mental breakdowns involving panty-forgetting and head-shaving. Rehab, ahoy! But I am no…
Ten years is a really, really long time to do almost anything. Want to spend 10 years riding a bicycle? How about a decade of eating nothing but pad thai? Or maybe you’d rather do 10 long ones using the same shampoo and conditioner? No, thank you. The only thing…
Freaking Sideways. One minute, you were totally happy to order a Bud Light, and the next minute you’re waffling over which Pinot to order at the new wine bar down the street. This time, stay ahead of the cool curve and get into sake, that tasty Japanese rice wine. This…
Remember, like, two days ago when NorthPark Center was a dull, dreary beige-bricked enclave desperately clinging to its Neiman’s and Burberry? No matter what kind of high-end finery was available at the posh places, the Charlotte Russe and that creepy hamburger place by the pet clothing store made you feel…
Ties! Who needs ’em? This is 2007, ladies and gentlemen, and nobody’s got time to fiddle with those cumbersome neck ornaments anymore. We’ve got much bigger things to care about, like maybe caring for our fellow man. So ditch the tie this Saturday night. Nonprofit organization AIDS Services of Dallas,…
I have no legs. I distinctly remember having legs three minutes ago, but now I’ve lost them. Where have they gone? Everyone else around me has legs. I can see them. There they go, jogging ahead of me in expensive Nike training gear, high-fiving each other as they cross the…
Viva St. Patrick! Like Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day is a completely self-serving holiday that requires you to do absolutely nothing. There are no presents to buy. No family to visit. Just booze and fun. And what better way to celebrate a self-serving holiday than by learning to serve yourself some…
Don’t you like pirates? Sure you do. They go “Arrr!” and wear eye patches and have parrots and scurvy! What’s not to love? Oh, I don’t know—maybe the fact that for, what, five or six years now, pirates have been the hipster in-joke that’s so very, unbelievably, out. And yet…
The first time I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, starring Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson, I had no idea what was going on. I was 14 years old, and I didn’t get a single minute of the drug-addled dialogue. So maybe I should give Puerto Rican artist…
War is bad. We get it, Bono. Now go redeem your Messiah Points before they expire. But some artists–real ones–join the battle, literally, and return to tell the world. Like English singer-songwriter James Blunt, who dropped panties the world over with “You’re Beautiful.” Blunt was a captain in the British…
This is my nightmare. I am in a dressing room outfitted with dark mahogany walls. The place smells faintly of cedar and, fainter still, sulfur. Behind me, several crisp new shirts glare viciously at me from their smug, shape-preserving wooden hangers. White and boxy, these shirts are the very color…
Image makeovers are all the rage. These days, Barbie’s got a cell phone, and some stores are even carrying Baby Daddy Ken this spring. Years ago, Little Richard jumped the shark for a soul version of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” that made even 10-year-old skin crawl. Now, it seems the itsy…
For some, the title of the musical comedy I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is callous or mean. But not to this girl. I’m of the mind that change is a good thing. Lots of things are better off changed: diapers, dollars, lead singers for hair metal bands. I…
It’s really pathetic what passes for “girl power” these days. Like those Cheetah Girls—anybody with a 5-to-11-year-old daughter probably knows what I mean—as if singing and dancing around in silly costumes is somehow empowering. And Barbie? That dip is as dumb as ever. Even a badass like Courtney Love has…
Someone has gotten a little too enthusiastic with the fog machine tonight. Smoke fills the wide room up to the club’s low ceiling and back toward the concession stand. There, some teenager is probably handing out fog-flavored nachos, the smoke adding an extra kick to that goopy, gummy cheese of…
The next time you’re strolling through NorthPark Center, check out the society ladies scooping up the $300 jeans and $700 sandals. What are they wearing? Probably a pair of Juicy Couture sweats. Maybe their “crappy” pair of $300 jeans from last year. The privileged folk seem to be the ones…
According to the nonprofit youth organization Girls Incorporated, its mission is to “help girls confront subtle societal messages about their value and potential.” Great! Down with gender roles and materialistic obsessions! To raise money for this admirable goal, Girls Incorporated is having a “Sparkly Sidewalk Sale.” Shoppers get 20 percent…
Remember when you were sipping your latté at the Uptown Starbucks and you laughed at the handicapped kid trying to cross the West Village parking lot? Make yourself feel a little better–jerk–by going to see Josh Blue at the Addison Improv. The comedian has cerebral palsy and encourages you to…
Last February, Lakewood restaurant manager Alexis Gaddy decided to do what a lot of people do: pay a bill with a money order. After all, they’re safe. Trackable. So he stopped by the 7-Eleven on Garland Road, bought a Western Union order from an automated machine, dropped it in the…
