Dear Mexican, I have a stupid, unemployed, 16-year-old gang-bangin’ cousin who already dropped out of school, and I’m pretty sure most Mexicans are related to somebody who fits that description. About eight months ago, he knocked up a girl around his age, so last week I was dragged to their…

Dear Mexican, I see Jews, Asians and Persians making something of themselves and conducing safe, walkable communities. Of course they’re not perfect, but I don’t see high Jew-crime communities, either. I see these people sticking together and helping each other out instead of envying their own. Why can’t Mexicans get…

Dear Mexican, My gabacha friends and I marched in the May pro-amnesty rallies and wanted to show our support on our chests as well as our feet. We wore T-shirts that read, “I only (picture of big, juicy lips) mojados” on the front and “Yo solo (lips) mojados” on the…

Dear Mexican, I heard that Mexicans at an Orange County, California, candy factory think they saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of melted chocolate. Why do Mexicans always see the Virgin Mary in the stupidest things? –Non-Believer Beaner Dear Wab, It’s not just Mexicans who find the Holy Mother…

Dear Mexican, What’s with Mexican-Americans who live in New Mexico claiming they’re Spanish and not Mexican? Many actually get angry and combative if you ask them if they’re Mexican. But if you look at them, they look more Indian than Spanish! Why have so many developed a deep-seated embarrassment of…

Dear Mexican, Why do Mexicans forget about great beers like Tecate, Negra Modelo and Bohemia and start drinking swill like Bud Light when they come to the United States? I always remember John Steinbeck’s immortal line–“Ah, Bohemia beer and the Pyramid of the Sun; entire civilizations have created less”–yet if…

Dear Mexican, What’s up with the bull stickers on the truck doors? Is this a secret business, something earned at some unmentionable contest south of the border or a brotherhood of sorts? I thought about taking Spanish lessons so I could politely ask one of these guys. –Native California Whitey…

Dear Mexican, The last two movies I attended were rated R. Sitting around me were Mexican families with very young children. Why do Mexicans bring their 8-year-old kids to see a movie like Hostel? Do Mexican parents just not give a shit, or can they not afford a baby sitter?…

Dear Mexican, The Mexican presidential elections have been a freaking mess. I voted for the conservative candidate, Felipe Calderón, who almost everyone agrees won the election. But the leftist Andrés Manuel López Obrador is making a mess out of this by claiming electoral fraud. Does the Mexican have an opinion…

Dear Mexican, I just don’t get Mexicans and their grooming. The men slick their hair with baby oil, gel or Vaseline or just shave it all off. The women wear it in a ponytail with a neon green hair band or in pig tails or wear bangs created with the…

Dear Mexican, I’m a culturally sensitive, PC Asian-American who laughed my head off at Jack Black’s imitation of a Mexican in Nacho Libre. Is this wrong? –Vietnammy Mammy Dear Chinita, Wrong? Of course not. While Latino activists weep and moan about how gabachos like Jack Black reduce Mexicans to stock…

Dear Mexican, Why do Mexicans traditionally like Chevys? Did Chevy once target the Mexican consumer base for some reason and it worked? –Pocho in a Pontiac Dear Pocho, An urban legend suggests that Mexicans don’t like Chevys (pronounced with a harsh “ch” as in “chicken” and “chupacabra,” gracias) because the…

Dear Mexican, I caught your appearance on the June 19 episode of The Colbert Report. I admire your insight and cultural references, but I noticed you mispronounced the Spanish word “patience.” You told Colbert that the word was pacencia instead of the correct word paciencia. Why do assimilated Mexicans lose…

Dear Mexican, Why do Mexicans swim with their clothes on? I mean, denim?! –Vicente Fox’s Mustache I know this might be a seasonal question, but why do Mexicans like swimming in their clothes? Is it a Catholic thing? I remember as a child growing up in the San Fernando Valley…

Dear Mexican, Why do Mexican soccer fans chant “Osama! Osama!” when their side plays the United States? You don’t hear American soccer fans yell “¡La migra!” –White Boy Dash ear Gabacho, You think hurling bin Laden’s name is tasteless? How about the Daily Mail columnist who, on the day England…

Dear Mexican, What is it with you Mexicans who want to take back California? Is it that conquistador blood that’s driving you? –Go Back to Granada Dear Gabacho, Besides beards, light skin and bad wine, the Spanish conquistadors brought with them to Mexico the legacy of reconquista, which has replaced…

Dear Mexican, Why do more Mexicans worship Che Guevara than Argentines? I don’t think we even give a shit about him. –Maradona Maiden Dear Gabacha Wab, You’re one to trash Mexicans for revering a long-dead Argentine–how’s Evita’s corpse holding up these days? Besides, we suffer from the same condition–caudillismo, a…

Dear Mexican, Why do you portray Mexicans as liberals when the majority are conservative? –Jorge P. Bush Dear Half-Wab, Week in and week out, “Ask a Mexican!” portrays Mexicans as perfect Republicans: homo-hating, Jew-baiting, Negro-bashing, chino-trashing religious fanatics who believe in free markets, self-determination and want to wipe Guatemalans off…