Six Perfect Songs for Getting People to Leave

It has happened to me a million times. I walk into a bar with the intention of sitting down for a relaxing beverage, and in between the time that I’ve paid and my first sip of beer, I realize that some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that…

Immigrants Are People Too

Dear Mexican: How do we humanize the illegals in this country? I’ve been in this country illegally for 16 years, y ya chole no? For 16 years I lived my life like anyone else: going to school and working. Eventually I became a teacher for the public schools. It is…

Pitbull’s “Timber,” featuring Ke$ha: Why This Video Sucks

Editor’s Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B’s Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times. Right now, Pitbull’s “Timber,” featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart…

What Miley Cyrus and Kanye West Can Teach Your Noise Band

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

36 New Year’s Resolutions for an Awful Music Journalist

Lori Ann / FlickrWill music journalism always suck? Probably. MTV will always feature at least three Justin Bieber articles on its news page, and NME will continue their 1:4 ratio of articles about members of Oasis. And of course, people like me will still write articles about botching interviews and…

What To Do When A Label Approaches Your Band

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

Outkast Reunion, No More Blackface and Other Requests for 2014

Editor’s Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B’s Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times. Dear 2013, Oh, man. So you’re officially over. That’s kind of sad. You were mostly a very…

Should Latinos Who Mispronounce Their Own Names Be Corrected?

Dear Mexican: One of my pet peeves is Latinos who pronounce their last names with Anglo accents. For example, Rod-driguez instead of Roh-driguez. Would love it if you address this. Personally, I believe we Latinos should educate Anglos on correct pronunciation. Gomez the Groper Dear Wab: Before you start correcting…

A Totally Not-Depressing Look at Downtown

The arrival of a New Year always brings about in me a strange and unaccustomed desire to be un-depressing. And I don’t even drink. I don’t know what does it. This year I’m blaming it on Dallas City Council member Philip Kingston. He and I had an interesting chat about…

It Takes The New York Times To Tell Me about My Neighbors

Apparently if you really want to get one of your neighbors to open up about herself, you need to send somebody over to interview her for The New York Times. I learned more about my neighbor Virginia Savage Talkington (lotta names) McAlester from the pages of the Times yesterday than…

A Rough Guide to Choosing Your First Bandmates

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…