We're not too sure this belongs here--after all, this paper does have a letters section--but it's much quicker to respond to this letter in the music section since we can't call or e-mail the writer, or use any of the typical ways to get in touch with him. The reason: The writer, also known as inmate #854667, won't be a free man until August. While we rarely take correspondence from the joint seriously (try never), his response to our search for new music writers is easily the most intriguing we've received thus far. Actually, we're not positive that he's incarcerated, but even if he isn't, he deserves points for staying in character.
In the letter, inmate #854667 includes a list of reasons why he'd be a good music writer. Among other things, he claims he "can protect [us] from the legions of irate Hessians who thirst for [our] suffering...[is] linguistically adroit...[has] photos of Phil Anselmo being groped by Rob Halford in a Phoenix, Arizona leather bar...would be willing to work for little more than the onanistic pleasure derived from seeing one's own name in print...can beat up any combination of the members of Pantera (and Pimpadelic)." All of which sum up the kind of person we're looking for. And on top of that, he adds, "I get out of prison at the beginning of August."
Though the list caught our eye, the clincher was this question: "Is it even remotely possible that a position with your publication would afford me an opportunity to get within swinging distance of any member of Korn? Kramer and Twitch?" If only that were possible. Give us a call when you get out, inmate #854667. We'll be waiting.